


Help me not to hurt

by Borealisblue



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bond Mates, Bottom Jim, Broken Bond, First Kiss, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Heavy Petting, Jealous Spock (Star Trek), Jim Has Issues, Kirk singing, Koon-ut-kal-if-fee, Love Confessions, M/M, Making Love, Marriage, Mating Bond, Memories, Mind Meld, Protective Spock (Star Trek), Protective Spock Prime, T'hy'la, Top Spock, Vulcan Mind Melds, pining jim, thinning Jim, two souls as one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-17
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-05-08 05:45:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 40,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14687733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Borealisblue/pseuds/Borealisblue
Summary: Jim has come to a horrible realization. He's in love with Spock, but he can't seem to bring himself to confront his problem without knowing if Spock could possibly love him back. He starts to pine hard after his first officer and his health starts deteriorating. Finally when he can’t stand the pain he feels with out his Spock anymore, he calls Spock's counterpart in the middle of the night and asks Spock prime if he ever loved his captain, and how if at all, he could get Spock to fall in love with him.





	1. A Late Night Call

**Author's Note:**

> This has as a bit of Canon divergence and ignores the 3 movie. My update schedule will be every Sunday.

Jim stared out into the darkness of his room, the chronometer sitting on his nightstand glaring evil little blue numbers back at him.

3:43

He heaved a disgruntled huff and turned over.

Don’t do it.

Don’t. Do. It.

Go to sleep Jim, he scolded himself. He scrunched his eyes tightly together trying to create moisture for his heavy lids. His thoughts raced through his brain in the dark and he found that they were all centered around one person. 

Heaving a frustrated sigh he sat up in his bed. “Computer turn the lights up to seventy-five percent.”

His room was suddenly lit and he blinked a few times so his eyes would adjust. Throwing his covers from his overheated body Jim scrubbed at the exhaustion that had seemed to etch itself into his features of late. He was insane. He shouldn’t do this, but he had to know. He just had to.

Getting up he walked over to the monitor that resided at the far end of his quarters of the Enterprise.

“Computer, call Ambassador Spock.”

He took a deep breath, as the computer activated its display, the sound of the beeping that was connecting his call echoed throughout the room. While he waited Jim tried not to dwell on this being a bad Idea. In all honesty it probably was a bad idea, but he could see no other alternative way to ease his growing anxieties. 

The computer beeped twice indicating that he was being sent to voicemail.

He quickly told the computer to end the transmission before the camera could record his pitiful face in the midst of his self inflicted agony. He really didn’t want Ambassador Spock having some kind of video evidence of his emotional turmoil as he stood there, half naked and in his Starfleet boxers.

He ran his fingers through his hair and contemplated whether or not he should attempt to go back to lying sleeplessly in bed before his Alpha shift in four hours. God he should have taken some sleeping pills.

He rubbed his neck, tilting his head back groaning. It seemed his headache from earlier that day had returned. Please don't linger for to long this time, he mentally told the pain.

Stretching his arms above his head he yawned, hearing his back pop in two places. Scratching at his chest he turned away from his monitor contemplating the possibility of maybe going down the gym to do some light exercise, It wouldn’t really help his headache but it would get his mind off of some more… personal matters. He padded to his bath room to grab his water bottle from under the sink, when a sudden beeping noise caused him to jump. He glanced back at the monitor displaying an incoming call.

Ambassador Spock.

Jim quickly answered the call and Spock Prime's withered face appeared filling his screen. A small smile, barley noticeable flashed across his wrinkled features before falling away. It was good to see him, even if they weren't as close as he would have liked, Jim found his very countenance a comfort.

Jim licked his lips a little nervous. Now that the elderly vulcan was in front of him, he didn’t have the luxury of re-examining what he was about to do. This was it. He could ask the question that had been burning in the back of his mind for days now. He had to know. With knots forming in his stomach and sweat gathering on his upper lip, Jim greeted Mr. Spock. 

“Hello, Ambassador Spock.” he nodded, trying to act as nonchalant as he could.

"Hello, Jim." Spock tilted his head to one side. "I received your call but, you left no message. Curious, to say the least.” Spock’s eyes flicked over Jim’s state of dress. “Am I correct in assuming it is 4 in the morning where you are?”

Jim winced, he probably jumped the gun on calling ambassador Spock in his boxers at, he glanced at the chronometer, 4-o’clock in the morning. He had no clue how Spock could have known the Enterprises time from New Vulcan but he didn't question the Elder Vulcan’s brilliance for a second. 

“A keen observation Spock. You are correct. Look am sorry to bother you, but I have some-” He waved his hands aimlessly about trying, but failing to finish his thought. 

Was his room getting hotter? He was sweating like crazy, But then why did his limbs feel so cold? His brain started to panic. What was he doing? He couldn’t ask Spock Prime something like this! It was so private! And he was in his boxers for hell's sake!

“-questions.” he finished weakly, suddenly losing his confidence. He crossed his arms over his ribs suddenly self-conscious of his body.

Spock nodded, “I will answer what I can.” He said waiting for him to continue.

Talking about such a touchy subject like this with Spock Prime seemed wrong, almost twisted in a way, but this was the only way he would ever know the truth. His headache was beginning to dully pound in his head. 

Pursing his lips slightly he gathered all of his infamous captain courage and opened his mouth to speak. He had faced death and came back so something like this should be a walk in the park. 

Right?  
“I am going to ask you something and I need you to keep an open mind and tell me the truth.” My sanity depends on it, he wanted to add at the end, but swallowed nervously insead. 

Spock Prime narrowed his eyes, sitting up even straighter, hearing the gravity in his voice. Focusing all his attention on Jim, he could probably already sense something was deeply wrong with him based on the way his eyes once again and more thoroughly swept over his body taking in his haggard appearance. Jim wasn't in the best shape right now having lost quite a bit of weight but he wasn’t about to explain the reason. He had more pressing things to talk about right now.

Jim cleared his throat so that Spock's scrutinizing eyes returned back to his. He gazed into those familiar depths, praying for straight answer.

“Did you love Captain James Tiberius Kirk?”

His chest constricted and he felt light headed as the words came tumbling from his mouth. He had said it. He had actually voiced the question out loud. Something he had dared not do, even in private for himself. 

If Spock was surprised, he didn't show it as silence filled the room for a few seconds before he answered.

“You have melded with me, seen my memories.” He inclined his head in a nod and cleared his throat. “What I shared with my Jim was nothing so shallow as the human term for love.” He said looking away from Jim’s intense stare and down into his lap, seemingly becoming interested in some imaginary piece lint on his otherwise pristine robes. 

“What does that mean?” Jim asked confused.

Spock’s gray eyelashes fluttered as he looked up, locking his deep brown gaze with his confused bright blue ones. His voice dropped to almost a whisper as he answered. “You cannot understand this, but the bond that we shared was that of T’hy’la. It runs deeper and stretches vaster than beyond any comprehension of your common standard word for love.” 

“A bond? I have read about vulcan bonds before but I never heard of than one.”

“It is most sacred and never openly talked about. It is shared between two halves of the same soul.”

“So like…Soulmates?” Jim asked barely covering the excitement that his statement caused. His fingers began to tingle and he nervously flexed them, trying to get some blood flowing to their tips.

Spock dipped his head in a nod. “In a sense yes. T’hy’la can encompass a mass meaning; Friend. Brother. Lover. All of which is so rare, it has only been known to a hand full of people. ”

Jim felt himself growing faint; friend, brother... lover? 

“Were you two… ever together?” He put emphasis on his words and raised his eyebrows in insinuation.

Spock Prime said nothing, blinking slowly. His gaze sharpened and it felt like razors scraping across the surface of his skin.. After a long pause of deliberation, he spoke. “Jim, If I may ask. What has you pondering this subject?”

Jim went quiet, his chest suddenly empty at the lack of confirmation. He felt something bubble up from his gut and it was something that he had not felt since the day of his death. Fear. Icy and sick. The sensation crawled across his skin and nipped at the back of his neck inflaming his current headache into a sharp stabbing, at the back of his head.

“Mr. Spock please, answer my question first, were you and your Jim ever romantically involved?”

“Jim,” he began slowly. “As you know, I have made a vow never to give you information that could potentially alter your destiny. Your path is yours to walk, and yours alone.”

“I don’t see how this information could alter anything, I have already seen into your mind like you said, but I didn't see everything. Just tell me.” Jim rubbed his hands together nervously, feeling a mess of emotions bubble up and roll through his chest. His heartbeat picked up.

“It is true that I kept some things blocked from your mind when we melded. But I am still not entirely convinced why I should tell you anymore than what you saw the day we met.”

Jim suddenly felt a hot flash of anger pierce through his heart. He knotted his knuckles together so he would keep himself from punching something. He was feeling so confused right now, he could not understand why Spock Prime was keeping this from him! He clenched his jaw together hurting his teeth. He needed to keep his cool because he did not want Spock thinking he was too emotionally compromised to talk too. 

“Ok let me ask you a different question. Do you think-“ he stopped, his head swimming with pain as he tried to calm down and apply a different approach to his question. He paused mentally shaking himself. What was wrong with him. He felt...he didn't know how to describe it. Light headed? Off balanced? He took a deep breath and continued. 

“Do you think it could happen again? The same thing that happened with you and your Kirk, the T’hy’la thing. Do you think that me and my Spock...that we could ever be T’hy’la?”

Spock considered him carefully, “Jim before I answer. Tell me, why is this so important to you?”

Jim looked down at the ground as if ashamed by what he was about to say. He curled his bare toes into the carpet and watched them go red from the flexing.

So this was how it was going to be? Spock would not answer him unless he went first.

“Well...” He began slowly. “ I hurt. Well not physically injured, Bones says I’m healthier than ever, better than when I died actually. But I feel... ill. Something is happening in me. I started to notice, um, I guess you could call them symptoms ever since I died and came back. It’s not like any other pain that I can describe, it started out as small, but frequent cluster headaches. At first I thought it was just my brain trying to heal itself from the radiation poisoning, but then after some time, I began to feel more and more of the strange sensation spread through my body.” Jim glanced away from the display monitor and looked into a mirror hanging at the far end of his quarters. 

God he looked awful.

“The pain came and went with no particular pattern that I could discern, so stupidly I never thought about it much until—“ He stopped and pulled his arms around himself in a protective manner, as if he didn’t hold himself into place, he would come flying apart. 

“Please continue.” Came the soft voice from the monitor. 

Jim shook his head unsure how he could. It all sounded so insane when he voiced his concern out loud to someone else. 

“Jim?”

“The pain- it would come and go, right? It lasted for days and any mention of it to Bones earned me ten painkiller hypos to the neck and hours in different hospital wings for rigorous testings.”

Jim threaded his fingers together in knots and then unthreated them nervously as his palms became sweaty. He tried to piece together how to continue in his mind, hoping he didn't sound like a complete psychopath.

“So I tried to figure out what was causing me this pain on my own. I observed everything that I came into contact with thinking it might have been some sort of allergic reaction. My medications, fabric softeners, the food I ate, nothing seemed to be the source of my discomfort. I thought I was going insane until one day I realized that the pain wasn’t an allergic reaction to something… It was... conditional.” He said going quiet.

“Conditional? In what manner?” Spock said, sounding openly curious. 

Jim opened his mouth to speak but the words seemed to be logged somewhere between his brain and his throat. He grunted in frustration and ran both his hands through is hair. Why did Spock want to know this?! Couldn't he see that this admission was torture on him? His fingers dampened with the sweat that was now dripping down his hair line to his neck. He felt like he was on fire. Why wouldn't Spock just tell him whether or not if him and his captain had been romantically involved? That was all he wanted to know!

Because if it happened to them, then...

“Please Jim, continue.” That gentle voice coxed his shaking muscles to relax themselves. He hadn't even realized he had been shaking. He rubbed his arms trying to coax some warmth to them.

Jim looked up into the aged version of those familiar chocolate eyes that had been haunting him of late. They were the same eyes that looked to him for commands on the bridge. The same eyes that withheld judgement when he was about to do something incredibly stupid. The same eyes that had followed him into death, only to greet him once again when he came back. And now they were the same eyes that pursued him into his dreams every time he closed his own eyes at night. He could feel the pain flare up again, starting from the back of his skull and spreading down his spine, making him shiver all over.

“I noticed the pain would flare in my head first and then in my chest. It would feel like I was being cracked open, hollow for the world to see. The pain... the pain would only stop on one condition... the appearance of one person…”  
He quickly glanced at the screen and then away again. “My Spock.” 

Jim flushed a bit at his affirmation, but he felt a little bit of the pain in the back of his head ease as he thought about his first officer. It was like the very thought of Spock in his mind was like a warm balm, soothing the feeling of pain away. 

“The relief I got from seeing him when I was allowed visitors was better than any medicine Bones had given me for my recovery.” He felt his adam’s apple bob up and down as he swallowed back the odd twist he felt in his throat. The rims of his eyes burned as he could feel himself holding back the hot tears that were threatening to spill over. He had not wanted to show such emotion to Spock Prime. He respected him to much. Surly the Elder Vulcan must have been disgusted at the display he was already showing. 

“Finally I started to notice a pattern develop…with him, and the correlation to my pain... and then--” His voice cracked and he roughly cleared his throat. “ --then I’d realized something.” 

He took a deep calming breath, making sure his voice would not quiver when he spoke again. 

“An awful realization...” He breathed out evenly as if reliving the experience.

Spock Prime waited.

“It happened so unexpectedly, although looking back on it I shouldn’t have been surprised. He had come to visit me in the hospital to see how I was doing after one of Bones latest blood tests.”

Jim absently rubbed his arm as if he could feel press of a hypo full of medicine against his skin. 

“I was showing off some of my get well cards and gift baskets that people had given to me while I was still in the hospital, trying, but failing to make him feel bad since he hadn't brought me anything.” Jim smiled slightly as he recalled the memory of worry filling his first officers eyes, having not known of the human tradition.

“It was all in good fun, I was just teasing him I assure you.” He said looking at the Spock on the monitor. “The baskets contained all sorts of neat stuff; candy, stuffed animals, flowers, but mostly a variety of different fruits. I remarked on the fact that I couldn’t possibly eat them all myself, so I asked Spock to eat some with me. At first he refused, saying that I needed the nutrients in my diet, but changed his mind when he saw that someone had sent me a basket full of, um...Plata- plakta-”

“Pla-savas?” Spock Prime provided.

“Yes! That. Spock couldn't believe someone had given me native fruit from Vulcan. He was convinced that he must save the seeds for future agricultural regrowth and asked me if he could have the fruit saying logically, If I would never eat them all he could find some good use for them. I laughed and told him the only way he’d get at the seeds was if he ate the fruit with me first.”

Jim closed his eyes as he could recalled Spock in his gray officers uniform standing before him in his hospital bed. He was obviously resisting the urge to roll his eyes at him. Such a human thing, to roll one's eyes at a person, he must have picked it up somewhere, Jim mused. The memory was so clear, Jim could almost convince himself that it was happening again right before him. He watched as Spock picked up the darkly colored violet fruit from the gift basket, and study it in his hands. He brought it up to his nose and inhaled deeply, obviously capturing the scent wafting off its crisp skin and savoring it.

“I stole a Pla-savas he was studying from his hand, just to annoy him, you know? And took a bite.” Jim ran his tongue along the roof of his mouth still remembering its distinct taste. “It was very good, not like the overly bitter stuff that you guys usually prefer to eat, it was almost...sweet.” Jim’s blue eyes snapped to the monitor, “And um, that’s when it happened... In my excitement to share the fruit with him, I offered the rest of it back to Spock. He stared at it for a few seconds and then he looked back at me with a strange expression in his eyes before reaching out and taking it from my hand.” 

Jim sucked in a shaky breath between his dry lips. “His fingers grazed mine for just half a second, but something like a shock went up my arm and down my spine-” He shivered as he remembered the feeling. Their fingertips had met for only a second and the electric sensation he had felt would probably haunt him for the rest of his days. It was enthralling. Jim had felt his heart pick up and race at the contact. He had not fully understood what was happening to him, but he found he didn’t care. He kept his eyes locked on Spock wondering if he could feel it too.

“Suddenly the pain I had been experiencing from my headaches were gone. His touch...it was like, magic.” Jim looked down at his fingers surprised to find them feeling dull and empty without that spark he had felt. He could still feel the phantom sensation ghosting up his fingers and making the hairs on his arm rise.

“I watched him as he took a bite of my fruit,” Jim was whispering now and he saw Spock Prime's head turn slightly as if trying to catch his words.

“His bite was right next to mine…” Jim felt his stomach muscles flex and flutter at the memory. Spock's black pupils had blown wide, meeting his as if in a challenge as he took a bite from the fruit. The remembered image was sending an unsolicited reaction southward and Jim shifted on his feet trying his best to hide his body's reaction from the Vulcan on the monitor. 

The pain in his head wavered, starting to dim a bit.

Spock Prime flicked his eyes over Jim’s squirming form, slowly taking in the sensory information being offered to him. He watched as Jim nervously swallowed, but didn’t say anything, letting the weight of his stare convey his feelings on the matter. The longer Spock prime stared without saying anything, the more out of control Jims emotions became. He felt anger spike again, Why didn’t he say anything! What did Spock want from him? A outright declaration! 

Fine!

“And that was it. I knew. I JUST KNEW.” Jim ground out between his clenched teeth. “ I’m in love with Spock. God! How could this have happened! Me in love with Spock. Me and Spock! Spock and me! I couldn't have picked someone worse. He’s my best friend and extremely emotionally unavailable, plus he’s already in a relationship with someone else! I might as well have fallen for one of the marble statues in front of Starfleet Headquarters! He could never love me back!” The pain in his head flared fresh again and he hissed, grabbing his scalp. “But…But its the truth.” He said helplessly rubbing his temples hoping the pain would recede like before.

Silence fell between them, and Jim could tell that Spock was carefully composing a response. His eyes felt as if they were no longer adding weight to just him, but to the whole atmosphere of his room. 

“You ask me if you two could ever be T’hy’la, but the truth is, I cannot say. Our katras, our souls, have been shaped by different events in different timelines. But if it's to be so, I believe my counterpart will realize his feelings for you much earlier than I did. If you have recognized yours first, then it might be even sooner.”

“Spock's Feelings? Like love? Like T’hy’la?” Jim’s asked quickly, a little too loudly. His knuckles tightened as he clenched his sweaty palms into fists. “Please Spock, I need to know... you and your Jim?” He shifted from foot to foot anxiously trying to rid himself of the tingling spreading down his almost numb legs. 

“Indeed.”

He felt a wave of some foreign emotion wash over him, crashing against his mind in violent ripples.

“Tell me.” Jim demanded civility forgotten. “Please. I need to know, when did you come to realize your feelings for your Jim?”

Spock gave him a withering look before returning his face back to a mask of indifference. “Jim,” He said somewhat severely, “As I told you before I have made a vow never-“

Jim’s legs gave out, the numbness seeming to have spread up his chest colliding with the pain roaring in his heart. No! No more hidden secrets. 

“Please,” he begged brokenly on his knees. He felt the hot tears he had been so desperately trying to hold back begin to leak from the sides of his eyes. 

“Tell me. It might help me discover away to trigger his emotions for me, if that is even at all possible. These feelings! I can’t eat! I don’t sleep! My mind feels like it's being torn apart, they are consuming me. I can not stand the emptiness I feel when he’s right next to me on the bridge, nor can I stand the pain in my chest when I want to reach out and touch him, knowing I can’t. I start each day with this asinine hope that he will notice me as more than just a friend, only to be crushed each night when I retire to my bed alone. I need help.”

“Oh Jim,” Spock Prime sighed, his voice peaking slightly. “I could never deny you anything. Not in my timeline, nor yours it seems. I will tell you everything you wish to know, but I fear this will have to be done in person. I would prefer not to continue such a private conversation over transmission. With your permission I would like to randevu with you and your ship at the nearest federation outpost.” He met Jim's determined gaze. “If that is acceptable.”

“Yes.” He breathed out slowly staring up at the monitor from the floor. Hope flooded his aching chest and it brought the blood flow back into his cold numb limbs. “I believe we have a upcoming mission on New Vulcan, I can move it up and make it a top priority. We could pick you up from the Starbase.”

Spock Prime nodded. “Until then my friend. Please, take care of yourself. ” Raising his hand in Ta’al the screen went blank, and Jim was left sitting on the floor until his alarm went off signaling the start of his day.


	2. The Book

The pain was steadily getting worse behind Jim's eyes and he pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to rub comfort into the offending areas. The constant beeping and flashing lights from the computers on the bridge were not helping at all and were actually starting to make him somewhat nauseous.

“Captain are you feeling well?” Came a familiar voice from beside him. The pain in his head immediately began to lessen, but only a little bit.

“Hmm? What’s that Spock?” Jim groaned into his hand.

“Are you feeling well?”

“Uh, yes I’m fine.” He said distractedly never looking up from his command chair.

Rand appeared on his other side and a PADD was slipped into his hands. “Waiver forms for those new walls on deck 2, Captain.” She said.

Jim’s brow furrowed as he forces his strained eyes to look at the glowing screen. After watching the words fade in and out while swimming across the page he bit his lip trying to get his brain to focus. “Rand, could you possibly get me some coffee? Black today, thank you.” Rand bobbed her head with a smile and flipped on her heels as she scurried away to get him some caffeine. Jim pursed his lips and tried to refocus back on the screen in front of him. If he could just get his head to clear, than he could look at what he was approving. 

The PADD was suddenly gone from his hands, and Jim was left staring at his empty gloved fingers.

“Captain, if I may. I would like to officiate these forms for you.” Spock said, his tone brisk and clipped, yet emotionless as always.

Jim managed to look up ever so slightly and then back to staring straight ahead. “Thanks Spock.” He said leaning back in his chair.

“Captain, may I make a personal enquiry? What is the nature of your jacket and gloves on the bridge? If you are cold I am certain the crew would not mind if we changed the temperature settings.” Spock stood, as always, with perfect posture, his hands clasped behind his back while holding the PADD under an arm. One dark, elegant Vulcan eyebrow curved upwards in a subdued show of curiosity.

“I’m just a bit nippy, no need for the fuss.” Jim said absently, checking to make sure his gloves were tucked into his sleeves and that no possible skin was showing.

When Spock didn’t move away, he finally looked up. “I’m fine Spock. Honest. Now, If that’s all commander, please, return to your station until the end of your shift.” He forced a smile onto his features knowing exactly how to fake a relaxed air. You didn’t become a captain of a Starship without some acting skills, after all, you always had to appear to be the epitome of control when dealing with foreign affairs and other worlders.

Spock paused for a brief moment than nodded before turning away, and Jim was glad. He knew he looked like hell but he just couldn’t help it. The last time he had actually somewhat slept, if you could even call it that, was the night he had contacted Spock Prime. Since then he hadn’t been able to achieve anything close to resembling a rem cycle, let alone eat anything that might bring the color back into his cheeks. 

He need some coffee.

Like an angel sent from above, Rand reappeared with a steaming cup in her hands. He thanked her absently without a smile and cradled the cup towards his chest. She looked a bit confused about the lack of fanfare that he usually gave her when she brought him coffee. Normally, he would flash her one of his blinding smiles, and make an announcement to the bridge on how she had once again saved his life for bringing him caffeine, but this time he just took it and held it quietly. His face once again taking on a dazed, far off look. Rand frowned and turned toward the science station. Spock had seen the exchange and furrowed his brows. He too, seemed just as puzzled at their Captains behavior as she was. She shrugged her arms and walked over to another workstation to gather a stack of PADDS to continue her duties.

Spock continued to stare at the back of Jims head.

Jim let out a tiny breath as he looked around at everyone's station double checking to make sure that his crew was on task and that all eyes were off him. He could feel his face falling back into that haggard expression he had been trying so desperately to hide from everyone. The muscles in his cheeks felt sore from holding his Captains face into place, and his dry lips were cracked from stretching the several fake smiles he had given out today. Now, It felt as if he had used up all of his energy keeping up appearances and looking the part. Now, with his head pounding he felt even more drained than when he had stepped onto the bridge this morning.

He stared down into the black liquid in his hands and saw the frown on his face reflected back at him. He knew his attitude affected his crew's morale, and thought he had been doing a decent job at hiding his exhausted condition from them. Although he could tell he wouldn't be able to keep up his ruse for much longer. His whiting pallor was becoming more and more pronounced, with gaunt cheeks that were looking a bit hollow. They seemed to stick out on his face from underneath the bruising circles that were rimming his eyes.

He looked awful.

A sharp and sudden pain flared behind his eyes again and he cursed darkly under his breath. 

“Captain?” He heard Spocks voice from his command station undoubtedly questioning his silent cussing. 

Stupid Vulcan hearing.

He ignored Spock's growing concern and cleared his throat. “Chekov, what’s the ETA of reaching the Delta NV1 Starbase?”

“ Estimating about 10 hours Keptin.” His curly haired ensign said without turning in his chair.

Jim nodded. Soon. Just ten hours to go until he could meet up with Spock Prime. He could hold on a little longer, and he would finally hear it all. The whole story of the love that Spock Prime and the other Jim shared...it gave him hope. If it had been possible for them, maybe it was possible for him and his Spock. 

He heard shuffling behind him and the hushed movements of someone having a silent conversation with someone else. He heard the swivel of a chair and the sharp sounds of heels clicking as they came up to the side of his chair, alerting him to exactly who it was.

“Lieutenant Uhura.” He nodded in acknowledgement. “Is there something I can do for you?”

“Captain, Commander Spock and I were wondering if you would accompany us to dinner this evening in the mess hall, it’s been quite a while since you’ve shared a meal with your crew.”

Jim ran his hand up his cheek, feeling the fresh stubble coming in. Even though he made a effort to shave and look clean cut, he still felt like a man who had given up on his appearance. “No thank you, Lieutenant.” He said as he placed the untouched coffee down in a cup holder at his side.

He could feel her eyes following his movements and could almost hear the cogs in her brain turning as she inturnaly debated within herself on what to say next. He swiftly glanced at her worried face before looking away. Her red lips were pressed into a thin line while her neatly groomed brows scrunched together over her concerned eyes, wrinkling her otherwise perfectly smooth skin. Jim was suddenly assaulted with guilt. He wasn't being fair to her, nor to Spock. They were all good friends and he supposed that his abrupt and recent absence in their lives had hurt them. But how could he explain his reclusiveness? Oh sorry Uhura, I love you like a sister and all, but, I am actually more in love with your boyfriend and the sight of you two together makes me physically sick.

“Jim,” She said quietly breaking protocol. “Have you been eating?”

“Of course.”

Lies.

“I had lunch with Bones today.”

Double lies. 

And Uhura didn’t look like she was believing them either. Her eyes, sharp as the black outline on them, narrowed as she scanned his face. They both knew he was lying, but she didn’t comment further. “So you had lunch, but this is dinner. Look our shift is over, she said as their replacements started to fill onto the bridge. “Let's go eat.” She said taking his arm, and hoisting him out of his command chair.

Jim wanted to pull away, but found that he was too weak to protest as Uhura dragged him into the turbo lift where Spock was evidently waiting for them both.

As the three made their way down to the mess hall Uhura began to talk about something involving her family, but Jim fazed her out. His headache began to ease slightly and he found himself glancing up at Spock, who had his dark eyes trained on him. Spock studied him as the lights from the falling lift streamed past them. He knew something was going on with him, but neither of them had brought it up and Jim hoped it would remain that way, he really did not wish to be confronted about his current state of being. He gave a weak smile in reassurance and thanked his lucky stars as the turbo lift doors slid open and he could escape from underneath Spock’s scrutiny. 

They went and stood in line for the food replicators, letting the evening flow of people dictate the lines. Jim nodded absently and said hello to several passing crew members he hadn't seen in awhile, putting a little more effort into his acting. He was happy, he told himself. Look happy. 

Healthy. Happy. Healthy. Happy. He chanted over and over again. 

When it was their turn, Jim stared at the food replicator, his pain addled brain trying to decide what exactly he wanted to eat and how to get the machine to give it to him. He stared at it blankly...he wasn’t very hungry.

Spock reached out and pressed in a preference of his and he nodded his thanks. Soon he had a tray with a simple chicken sandwich and another cup of black coffee.

“What do you think Jim?” Uhura asked as the three of them sat down at a table together. 

“I don’t think your sister should do it.” He said focusing his attention back to Uhura. “She obviously loves her job at starfleet and I don't think she should be swayed away by some random guy she just met.”

Uhura frowned obviously aspiring to catch him off guard in hopes of confronting him about his lack of attention, but that was tough luck, because he had years of practice sitting through boring starfleet meetings only paying half attention. He was the master of responding at a moments notice. 

“That’s what I have been saying to her!” She continued on and Jim smiled, this time genuinely. Uhura was pretty sly when she wanted to be, but she would have to attempt a tricker ploy if she wanted to outfox him. 

He sat there and tried his hardest to join in on Uhura's next topic of conversation but he found himself staring off into space...well that wasn't true. 

He found himself staring at Spock. 

The way Spock swallowed his leafy meal was hypnotizing to him. Somehow Spock managed to remain graceful even as he ate his tossed leaves. His very prominent and shapely jawline moved rhythmically with his chewing which caused Jim to bite the inside of his cheek. Spock was a work of art. There was literally no one in the entire universe like him. He was honored that he even had the opportunity to know someone like Spock, even if their relationship had started out a bit rocky. Watching in fascination, Spock’s long pale fingers delicately held his fork, balancing the weight of it in his hands perfectly. His hands were truly beautiful in Jim's opinion and he was a little jealous at how they could move about so gracefully in their everyday tasks. His eyes hungrily followed Spock's every move as he picked up his water took a sip, the tiniest bit of dribble leaked from the corner of his mouth down to his chin, and Spock quickly and eloquently tapped the area with a napkin. His dark eyes flicked to Jim. 

He looked away, feeling heat rise to his cheeks at being caught.

The pain in his head flared up again. “Well, this was an awesome dinner, thanks for inviting me Uhura, really.” He said interrupting the middle of her sentence of another story. “But I have some things to do...reports to file and what not.” He got up quickly from the table and nodded at them both, before turning and leaving them to stare after him.

Uhura Kicked Spock under the table. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“What would I have said?” Spock asked.

“I don’t know! Anything! He needs to eat,” She said staring down at the untouched chicken sandwich and cup of black coffee he had left on his tray. “Spock something's wrong with him, just look at him! He looks like a zombie!”

“A zombie Ntoya?” He asked tilting his head.

She rolled her eyes. “You know, the undead. Just look at how pale he is. He may be smiling but hes faking it. Im really worried about him Spock, over the past two months he's been acting a bit different, but It hasn't really shown physically until recently. He needs his friends Spock, if he's going through something we have to be there for him.”

Spock nodded. “In that, we are in complete agreement.”

“Have you talked to him recently? You know, just one on one?”

“The Captain’s schedule since being released from the Hospital and reinstated aboard this ship has not made that possible.”

Uhura nodded, taking a drink from her pink cup. “So you haven't told him yet?”

Spock lowered his eyes downward. “That would be... obvious.”

Uhura sighed and placed her hand on top of his. “Spock...you have to tell him, he deserves to know.”

Spock looked down at her hand, as he felt her concern and comfort flow through the contact of her skin. He lifted his eyes to the turbo lift that Jim had exited through.

“I do not think now would be the proper time.” 

Jim practically ran to his quarters, trying to avoid anymore unnecessary contact with other people. As soon as he made it into his room he dimmed the lights that were to bright for him and reached for a hypo spray in his desk. Bones had given him a few doses of painkillers when he had complained about his headaches and the hypos seemed to help a bit, chasing off some of the muscle pain in his neck that accompanied his headaches. Unfortunately the majority of the pain still lingered in a tight ball at that back of his skull. 

He walked to his bed, dragging his feet the whole way and didn’t bothering kicking off his shoes or changing out of his uniform into some lounge wear. Jim curled up into a small ball on the right side of his unmade bed staring up into the semi-darkness that he had set his lights to wondering if he would actually be tired enough to drift off to sleep. That question was answered after a while when his legs began to twitch, begging to be stretched. He straightened himself out and felt his foot knock something off the end of his bed. Jim sat up and looked over the edge, having already known what had fallen. ‘Vulcan Poems and Tomes.’ It was a book that Spock had given him as a gift when they had moved back onto the enterprise after she had been remodeled. Jim had seen it in Spock’s quarters at some point and had asked to borrow it, but to his surprise Spock had just given it to him. It was Spock’s own copy from when he had been president of the xenolinguistics club back at the academy. It had tiny handwritten notes and added poems scrawled into the corners of the pages and Jim enjoyed reading the added entries that Spock had so lovingly written in his own time. He often thought as he flipped through its pages of how beautiful Spock’s hand writing was. Strong, bold, yet so tender in a delicate fashion. He had read the strange poems over and over again not really understanding them or their meanings since they were all in Vulcan, but he had convinced himself that the nonsensical words were enough to lull him to sleep.

It seemed to have the opposite effect. Instead, It kept him awake late into the night, but not because of the content, nor the perfect penmanship done by his first officer... it was the book’s smell.

Jim rolled over onto his stomach and leaned down, scooping the book up off the floor. He flipped it open and let the pages softly flutter before his face, wafting the sweet smelling air he carved into his nostrils. He closed his eyes and inhaled. The scent was spicy and foreign, yet so familiar and his mouth watered because of it. 

Spock.

Well more accurately Spock’s meditation incense. The smell had faded a bit since receiving the gift but Jim couldn’t help but hold the book to his face and bury his nose deep into the pages. It was like he was there.

He stroked the book’s spine languidly, pretending that it was the warm inviting green flesh he craved, rather than that of the dry stiffened leather he was caressing.

Jim eyes felt so heavy as they rested closed, but he peeled them open to stare at bathroom door. Spock was just two doors away in his own quarters, probably sound asleep and not thinking of him at all. 

Or maybe he wasn’t in his own quarters. He did have a girlfriend.

Squeezing his eyes shut at that painful thought, Jim curled back into a crumpled mess among his covers. He clutched the book tightly to his chest, scolding himself for what felt like the millionth time. Stupid Idiot! Stop it, stop being so foolish, stop being such a perverted pig, longing for someone else's boyfriend. Who does that? What kind of sick person does that?

A sadistic monster, that's who. God he hated himself.

But he couldn't help it. The pounding in his head flared up again and he imagined an alternate reality where Spock loved him in return


	3. The Ambassador

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you all ready for Spock Prime?

“Approaching Star Base Delta NV1, Keptin. Eztimated time to dock: Five minutes," Chekov said, his accent causing him to adorably stumble slightly with the identification. Normally, Jim would have teased him a bit, but today he had other things on his mind.

“Good.” He turned towards Nyota. “Lieutenant, notify them of our impending arrival.”

Jim squirmed in his seat re-adjusting his gloves for the tenth time, pulling them out and then re-tucking them back into his sleeves so that no skin was available as he turned to Spock who had once again placed himself right next to his command chair.

His eyes flicked to Spock, then back to staring straight forward. 

He was so handsome it hurt. How could one man look so pristine yet so delicious. He looked back nervously and began to stare at his first officer, feeling his mind wander into dangerous territories. For instance Jim thought Spock’s appearance reminded him of mint chocolate chip ice cream.

It was a odd thing to think really, comparing a Vulcan to a Terran treat, but they were so alike it make Jim’s mind run wild with the comparison. Spock’s skin was pale and smooth with hints of light green underneath; his eyes, which were so human, so soft and warm, were like rich milk chocolate chips that melted in your mouth if you held the bits against your tongue. 

Hmmm.

He was also rigid and cold, giving looks that could freeze a person in their place, yet Jim had often wondered if Spock would melt and drip under the administrations of hot languid licks. Jim would happily lick him. Every inch. The fresh taste of mint, crisp with a bite. The texture maddeningly ephemeral: firm on the spoon yet creamy in the mouth as it melted beneath the conduct of teeth and tongue. Slurping everything up he would love the feeling of melted cream running down his-

“Captain,” Spock placed his fingers on Jim’s shoulders and he flinched as if he had been hit. 

Holy hell! Just... HOLY HELL! How could he have let his thoughts run on like that! On the bridge no less! He swallowed bitterly and felt another headache spring to life.

“Captain?” Spock questioned as he pulled away from Jim immediately. “Jim? I apologize, I didn't not wish to startle you. But you did not respond to my other summons, I called your name several times.”

“Sorry Spock I'm just a bit distracted today that's all.” He said double checking his gloves once more, a bit frantically.

“My away team is assembled in the briefing room. We are waiting for you.” Spock regarded him with an expression Jim couldn’t quite read. There was a little tension in his mouth, but his stare was completely blank.

Jim got up from his chair, “Sulu you have the con while I debrief the away team. I will be back in a bit.”

“Aye, sir”

They walked the short distance to the debriefing room and Jim couldn't help but glance out the windows to look down on New Vulcan. Slightly more purple than red like the last Vulcan planet, Jim thought it was still very beautiful. The swirling white and orange clouds colored the ozone layers with favor and the planet itself seemed to glow brilliantly. Spock Prime would be waiting for Jim to message him, welcoming him aboard. He had sent a transmission earlier, telling Spock that he wanted him to take a shuttle craft rather than to beam abroad, that way they could be more discreet. While docting at the Starbase many of his crew would most likely want to stop off and shop, or maybe sight see on New Vulcan so Jim knew that the Transporter rooms would be no good because they would be in use all day, and he did not want anyone to know that the Ambassador would be on board. 

“Alright let’s hurry up and get this meeting out of the way because we all have a lot to do.” Jim announced as they both strode in the room commanding everyone's attention at their arrival. Spock took a seat at the head of the table and he remained standing to look around at the assembled crew members sitting at the conference table. Jim quickly noted how small the team actually was. Three people? He looked down at his PADD. No that couldn't be right. Could it? Jim glanced at Spock but he seemed to be at ease and not looking for anyone else to show up. 

Three people it was.

“Right. Well, let’s begin, I’m sure you have all read the debriefing that was sent you last night, but just to recap, Spock you’re gonna take your away team down to New Vulcan and deliver the recovered records and artifacts discovered in a cave on one of Lyn’s moons from the Lyre sector. The records contain the ancient knowledge of a common ancestor that Vulcans and Romulans shared, so it’s it’s important that you go over all the discoveries with the council members when you arrive. Now, due to the delicate nature of the records and artifacts we can not transport them down to the planet's surface without using a shuttle craft. So it will take you and your crew a little bit longer than usual to make the transport. Make sure nothing is misplaced, or lost in transit, I don’t want the Vulcan high council upset.” Jim swayed a bit on his feet as he was suddenly hit with a wave of dizziness. He pulled out a chair from the table and carefully leaned on it. He blinked a few times as spots danced before his eyes and sat down heavily in the chair with a “oomph” and a groan. The away team looked at each other nervously, but they remained silent.

Spock half stood up, as if to help Jim in some fashion but Jim held up a hand and sent him a look that held him in place. He nodded straightening himself out and sat back down. 

Jim frowned shaking the remainder of the dizziness from his head as he once again looked at the small team, refocusing his thoughts. Didn’t Spock want anyone else?

“Spock is this everyone?” He said continuing on as if his little episode hadn't happened.

“Due to the sensitive nature of the assignment, the New Vulcan Elders have lain heavy restrictions and requirements on those who will be allowed into the archives.” 

Spock nodded to the three science officers sitting around the table. 

“Ms. Brown is a Encryption Specialist, she will be able to help with the Intelligence reports and run them through algorithms, checking for keywords that denote mistyped classification and then put the reports into crypto form, sending them through the proper channels of communication to the main computers on New Vulcan.”

“Mr. Lucas is a class A. Archaeologist Science Officer in charge of the Alien Culture Section. He was the head officer that orchestrated the discovery and recovery of the artifacts found in the excavations. His knowledge of the recovery should help us track and date the items properly.”

“Mr. Osuna is a Historian of the Lyre sector, he was also a member of Mr. Lucas’s team that discovered the records. His knowledge lies of the process in how the inhabitants of Lyns moons stored their history. His analysis of coherent narratives might just explain how those records ended up in that cave since no one from Vulcan, or Romulan had ever known of that planets existence.”

Jim nodded at them, each in turn. “A great selection, I’m sure you will make Starfleet proud if you passed all of Spock’s special standards, but Spock why not bring Lieutenant Uhura? I’m sure her knowledge of xenolinguistics would be of great help in deciphering some of the older records.”

“Lieutenant Uhura was on my list, however the New Vulcan Science academy wishes to use their own xenolinguistics specialist.”

“I see.” Well their loss.

Jim looked at the chronometer on the wall of the briefing room nervously. He needed Spock and his away team gone before he could send word to Spock Prime to come aboard. If all went according to plan, Spock would leave with his away team and then Jim would immediately send the message to Spock Prime, they would pass each other in space while traveling in their shuttles without ever knowing the other was in transit.

But he needed Spock gone now.

“Looks like you have everything under control Mr. Spock,” wrapping up their meeting hastily, “We will reconvene at twenty-one hundred hours. You are dismissed.”

“But Captain,” One of the team members piped up. “Don’t you want to go over-- “

“No, no I’m sure you are all well prepared for your mission, and when in doubt just copy Spock. Dismissed.”

Jim watched everyone get up and start to leave. He looked down at his PADD and opened an old file pretending to read as he waited for everyone to be gone before he attempted to get up from his seat.

When he heard the room go quiet he slowly he grasped the headrest of his chair and hauled himself up, straightening his knees carefully not wanting his blood to rush to his legs, making him feel faint again. 

He placed his PADD under his arm and was getting ready to leave when he felt a hand being placed on his shoulder.

Jim’s muscles twitched as he froze in place. His stomach clenching in horror. How could he forget about the one person who would stay and wait for him.

Turning around he clenched his teeth together. Not in annoyance, but in a moment of pure unadulterated need. He took a deep breath and concreted on looking as neutral as possible.

Spock stood there silently regarding him with an expression that made Jim squirm. “Jim…” He paused, tilting his head. “You are unwell, therefore I would like to request that I stay here while someone else lead the away team.”

Jim had to physically lock his muscles in place to keep from leaning into his touch. His eyes flickered down to his arms to make sure all of his skin was hidden from Spock’s so that no accidental emotional transference would happen.

“Spock,” he said faking a easy air. “I believe you are being illogical.” He teased. “No one is better to lead this away team, and honestly I think your elders wouldn’t like it very much if we sent someone else.”

They stood there staring at each other quietly. Spock's eyes seemed to roam over the exhaustion lines on Jim's face, and Jim studied Spock’s own smooth skin in return. Seemingly soft and unchanged since the day they had met. He wondered how soft it would feel to touch. Would his muscles jump and quiver under his fingers? He frowned. God what was with him today. He locked eyes with his first officer. His friend, Jim had to remind himself. 

“I’m fine Spock.” He said gently stepping away from Spock trying to put some distance between him and that warmth that he could feel radiating of his skin.

Spock took a step to follow.

“Jim, I believe otherwise. I have noticed drastic changes in your physical appearance and you seem to have lost 25.2 pounds in the last month. Even now, as I stand here talking to you, you are swaying on your feet.”

Jim just shook his head, stepping further away. “No Spock your place is with the away team, that’s an order.” He turned away and began to busy himself with collecting the PADDs that the crew members had left on the table, avoiding any kind of direct eye contact with Spock.

“Very well. Your reasons are your own, of course. But I do urge you to reconsider because... I am concerned for your welfare.”

Jim’s heart gave a flutter of betrayal. He looked up and then away from those deep alluring eyes. What he wouldn’t give to slam Spock up against the wall and kiss him breathless.

“Come on Spock, if I was unwell don’t you think Bones wouldn’t have jumped down my throat and confined me to sickbay by now?”

Spock’s brows lowered, as his logic was sound. 

Normally, this was true, if Jim so much as even sneezed, Bones was right behind him with a vegetable and a hypo ready to press into his skin. But Jim had been smart, staying away from his southern friend physically and falsified his check in appointments into the computer. He had been holding Bones off quite nicely, up until he started demanding to have visual contact with him. That also he had managed to falsified too. He simply made the excuse of having too many meetings or other types of such busy work that kept a Captain away and sent recorded “messages” instead. Of course, he had cheated and had the computer scramble and rearrange old messages from their previous chats together so Bones had no idea how thin and pale he really had gotten of late. As far as he knew, Jim was just over worked. 

“While I have always deferred to Dr. McCoy’s good judgement, I am dissatisfied with his treatment as your personal physician.” Spock said a smidge darkly.

“Aww don’t be so hard on the guy, it's not his fault I over work myself sometimes.” Jim said as he started to put the PADDs away underneath the conference table.

“I do not believe the cause of your ill health is due to-”

A beep interrupted him as Uhura’s voice came from the speaker on the wall. “Bridge to Captain Kirk, I am receiving a private transmission from New Vulcan, Priority one.”

Jim cringed a bit, and chanced a glance at Spock. “Thank you lieutenant Uhura, Please forward the message to my private PADD.” He made his face impassive as he turned to back to Spock.

“Priority one?” Spock’s eyebrows lowered even further. “Captain-“

Jim cleared his throat and stretched a fake smile across his face. “Your away team is waiting for you,” he said pointedly. “best not keep them waiting.” He glanced down at his PADD as the message pinged into his inbox. “I have some things to take care of.”

Jim could almost see a full scowl forming on Spock’s face, his lips parting to protest but then he seemed to think better of it, his expression smoothing back over.

“Very well Captain.” And he turned to go.

He watched as Spock disappeared from his sight, and waited a few seconds before he opened the message on his PADD. 

Just as soon as he got rid of one, the other popped up. 

Elder Spock appeared on his screen in a prerecorded message. “Greetings Jim, I am down in the shuttle bay on the New Vulcan starbase awaiting your message of approval to come aboard. Spock out.”

Jim smiled to himself.

He left the conference room and quickly headed to the bridge. Sulu vacated his seat and he jumped up into his chair with a little more vigor than he felt, and pressed the button on the arm rest.

“Shuttle bay one this is the Captain speaking, has Spock’s away team left yet?”

“Negative Captain they are still here.”

“Let me know as soon as they depart, Kirk out.” 

He sat back in his chair and waited, rubbing his hands together. He felt almost giddy.

Staring out the view screen to study the massive planet below, he adjusted his gloves and scratched his knuckles through the light fabric, and readjusted the cuffs so they still kept themselves tucked into his sleeves. The gloves were quite cumbersome and got in the way a bit when trying to press the right buttons but he kept them on. 

What was taking them so long to depart?

Jim glanced up and caught Uhura’s eye. She studied him carefully as if she knew he was up to something, and he shifted in his chair trying not to seem as anxious and impatient as he felt.

Finally he heard a beep. “Transporter room to Captain Kirk, the away team has left.”

“Acknowledged.” Jim said into the speaker. “Take back the con Mr.Sulu, for the rest of your shift.” Jim said without skipping a beat.

“Sir?” Mr. Sulu said swinging around in his chair looking confused, as did the rest of the crew members on the bridge.

“You heard me Mr. Sulu, I have some...business to take care of. Please follow my instructions and make sure nothing happens while I’m gone.”

He quickly pulled out his PADD and typed out a quick response to Spock Prime letting him know it was now okay to come aboard. He jumped out of his chair and waited for Sulu to sit down. “Take care of our ship”. He said turning distractedly no longer focusing on anything around him as Sulu sat down in the captain's chair, obvious questions in his eyes.

Uhura frowned at his sudden decision. “Captain where you going?” But it was too late, he had practically teleported to the turbolift, and was gone.

Jim jogged down to the shuttle bay and dismissed everyone in the room, much to the confusion of the crew. He then told everyone on the floor to clear the halls for twenty minutes before returning to duty.

Licking his suddenly dry lips, he watched as the conformation of a shuttle come through the computers and quickly erased the information history using his override codes before it reached the bridge. No one would ever know Spock Prime was here.

He watched as the shuttle docked and settled into place with a hiss. The bay doors closed and the compartment flooded with oxygen. He waited a bit nervously, balancing on his toes as seconds ticked by. Would the Elder Vulcan hurry it up!

He reined his emotions in. That wasn’t fair. The Ambassador was quite old and probably had difficulty sitting and standing up, taking a bit longer to do things and Jim scolded himself for being to brash. He was truly grateful that he had come at all. And he would show it. 

Finally, after a eternity, (but was probably only a few seconds.) The shuttle doors swished open and Spock Prime climbed out. His graying hair shined perfectly under the ships lights and his stoic expression seemed to dignify the whole room. Smoothing his matching gray and black robes into place, he straightening his sash around his waist primly. Glancing around seeming to observe that there were no crew men, but one lonely Captain waiting for him.

Spock Prime’s eyes sought his and Jim almost felt pinned to the spot. He felt a small sweat break out over his skin and sucked in a small breath, swallowing with trepidation. Would he always be this way? Would his reaction to his Spock or Spock Prime or any other Spock’s out there in the universe be the same? His stomach felt like it had radiated butterflies fluttering amok inside of him.

His heart suddenly hurt and Jim suddenly had this irrational need to run into his arms like a little kid, and embrace the Elder in such tempting impropriety. When was the last time he had been held? Been shown any type of warmth akin to love? He hadn’t been with anyone since before Khan. He tampered his emotions down. Placing his still gloved hands behind his back, he fought with his grip. Not only with his knuckles, but on reality as well.

“Greetings Jim, where is your crew?” Spock asked as he glided forward.

“Mr. Spock, it is good to see you again. My crew is currently busy with...other things.”

Spock nodded as he studied Jim’s face and Jim could see how his appearance affected him.

Spock’s impassive face, cracked a bit around the edges of his mouth turning down into a frown, and Jim watched his eyebrows go lower and lower, casting shadows over his deep brown eyes. “Oh Jim, what have you done to yourself?” He said quietly, coming to stop right in front of him.

At those words, Jim forced a soft smile. It was the kind of smile where if he did anything else with his face, the rubber bands holding him together would snap and he would break down right there in the shuttle bay.

He bit down on his dry lips hard, tasting a bit of blood. “I told you I needed your help.”

Spock nodded gravely. “Yes, you said as much. Is there a time you wish to talk after your alpha shift is over?”

“Um,” he cleared his throat. “Actually I was hoping we could talk now.”

The Elderly Vulcans eyes narrowed as if piecing together Jim’s full intentions. “Would I be correct in saying that, if we were to walk down the corridors outside of the shuttle bay, there would be a distinct absence of crew members?”

There was no hope in lying to this Vulcan, he had obviously figured it out.

“Yes you will be seeing no one else on this visit.” 

“And my younger counterpart?”

“You just missed him, he will be down on the planet's surface with an away team for a few hours.”

Spock Prime nodded in understanding. “Then is there a designated place you wish to speak?”

“Due to the private nature of this visit I believe my quarters would be ideal, if that is alright with you.”

“That will be acceptable.” He gestured for Jim to lead the way.

The turbo doors opened and Jim glanced around before fully advancing into the hallway, with Spock on his heels. 

As they walked to the turbolift Jim could feel the Elder Vulcans intense scrutiny on his body. It was like having two phaser beams burning holes into his Captains uniform.

When they finally reached this quarters, Jim allowed Spock to enter first, before glancing around and making sure that no one had seen them together. Everyone on this floor practically shared the alpha shift, so he was confident that there would be no one around to witness him smuggling in a Vulcan. But it never hurt to be to careful.

After one last sweep of the hallway with his eyes, Jim entered into his room. He found Spock staring at some of the collectibles he had gathered on missions hanging from the walls. “It is remarkable how you and my Jim are alike. He loved collecting things too.” Kirk pursed his lips, unsure how to feel about that comment. 

“Would you like some tea, before we begin?” He asked a bit nervously as Spock walked around his quarters, showing clear signs of interest in his things.

“That would be permissible.” Spock said looking back at Jim, noticing the rigid stance and high tension in his shoulders. 

Spock allowed his eyes to soften, and Jim could feel himself visibly relaxed in response, as Spock Prime knew he would. 

“Please have a seat.” He gestured towards a light blue and silver chair in the corner by what looked to be a small breakfast table.

Spock sat down and leaned back in a very Un-vulcany way. He watched as Jim set about making them tea in a small kitchenette area, replicating the boiling water and pouring it into delicate green cups. His body shook and his knees seemed unreliable as they quietly knocked together while attempting to continue holding him up. Jim’s condition deeply troubled Spock and his emaciated stature was a testament to his thoughts. His Jim had never looked this way under his care…almost…hollow in a way. Not even on their most trying missions together where they had been beaten and starved. 

James T. Kirk had always held onto a hard, determined glint in his eyes that made Spock almost believe in miracles. He had seen to his own Jim Kirk’s every need. Keeping him happy, and healthy by whatever means, whether it meant making sure he ate while he himself went hungry or betraying him to their own Dr. McCoy when Jim was injured but trying to hide it.

Yes, Spock had always endeavored to be there to take care of him, searching for him to the ends on the universe and beyond if that was what it took. His T’hy’la. His ashayam.

And in turn his Kirk had always taken care of him.  
.  
To see now that this timelines Jim was looking so small, and so withered, Spock felt his own heart cry out in pain.

Spock felt…frustrated at his younger self, how could he have let Jim’s condition get this far?

He rested his elbows on the arms of the chair, clasping his hands together and steepled his index fingers as he considered Jim’s current state. He was suffering from an abandoned and abused bond, there was no doubt about it.  
This was something he would have to check with a mind meld but he was almost certain that it was root of all of Jim's problems. He had considered an abused bond, among many other possibilities, when Kirk had been describing his symptoms to him in their earlier communications with each other, but Spock had deeply hoped this was not the case. 

Spock had been hesitant to proclaim Jims problem to be that of a t’hy’la bond, for he had no way of knowing that these two in their own timelines could share one with such altered pasts. 

But now that Spock was here in person he could see the signs clear as Terran crystal. The immense impact the bond was having on Jim was deteriorating him. He was most likely Psi-null like his own Jim based on how similar they were, however their bond must be even stronger than theirs had been, to be showing such signs so early on in their relationship.

Spock watched as Jim pulled out tea packets from a drawer, rather than replicating the packs himself. He must have his younger self over quite often if he didn’t replicate the tea, knowing how much they both desisted the synthesized leaves.

If they were so close, how could his counterpart not notice the severe trauma the bond was having on Jim’s system? Had he relied to much on his younger self to recognize and take care of his Captain? His t’hy’la? Maybe his younger self had not yet learned of such things. It was possible, Spock prime conceded.

It was also possible that he was blocking everything. His younger self could be blocking any and all outside influences since the destruction of Vulcan, so that he would not sense the pain that all vulcans had shared since that day. That would certainly explain why he had not felt Jim’s mind searching for his. If he did not know of such an existing bond, the possibility of him learning of such a thing had dropped to two point eight percent. After all the t’hy’la bond was rare, and very sacred, so maybe he had not.

Jim turned and started forward his shoulders slumped and his head hung low. He carefully balanced the steaming cups of tea in his hands, and he seemed to shiver a bit as he walked across the room.

“Sorry of the wait-“

Spock could see what was about to happen and Despite his advanced age, he was up and out of his chair in seconds. Jim teetered to one side, suddenly looking very white, obviously being hit with wave of dizziness so powerful that he dropped the cups from his hands, spilling the tea down the front of him.  
Jim hissed as the hot liquid seeped onto his jacket and pants and he fell to his knees. The cups themselves falling with him, shattering on the thinly carpeted floor. 

Spock was instantly next to him grasping onto his shoulders holding him upright.

“Jim? Are you all right?”

Jim automatically leaned into his touch, sighing as if he was getting relief from pain. “Just a little— dizzy. Sorry about the tea Spock I’ll make us some more.” But he made no move to get up.

Spock Prime fully frowned down at the golden hair that was now resting against his robes. “Perhaps it would be wise to contact Dr. McCoy.”

Jim jerked away from Spock “No!” He cleared his, wincing at how loud he had screamed. “Seriously Spock,” he said quieter, “I’m okay. Please, just give me a minute. Just one minute and I’ll be better, promise.” He sounded so small, like a child begging someone not to tell a secret.

Spock hesitated but nodded. “Allow me to escort you over to your bed.”

Spock Prime pulled him up with ease, as he was under weight, and settled him on the messy unmade bed. He tugged the cool sheets up to wrap around Jim’s shaking frame made sure he was comfortable before going to the bathroom and grabbing a small hand towel from the rack and returning to Jim’s side. He began gently dab at the offending tea that was soaking his uniform and Jim sat there quietly allowing himself to be taken care of, not saying a word. After Spock was satisfied that Jim was clean, he pulled a up the sliver blue chair that he had been sitting in and placed it close next to the bed.

Jim curled one leg up underneath him and hunched over, hands folded together dropping between the gap of his thighs. He stared down at the carpet and bit the inside of his lip. “Thanks.” he said quietly, giving Spock a half hearted smile.

The Vulcan scanned Jim’s body taking in his abuse on his own system, and Jim actually witnessed a full on frown mar the Elders features. It was both kind of touching and unnerving to see such a response on his face. But at least he had agreed not to bother Bones about his condition

“You are indeed much worse than I originally thought.”

Jim ran his fingers along the edge of his sheets not knowing what to say. Silence dragged out between them and Spock knew he had to be the first to break the silence.

“Since it was on your request that I come here, why not tell me what you wish to know.” Spock suggested. 

“Tell me about you and your Jim.” He demanded.

“He was my first friend. It took many years for me to accept what I felt for him.”

“Which was?”  
.  
“Love.”

“How old were you when you got together?" Jim asked eagerly, happy now that Spock was being so open with him.

"I was forty," Spock replies.

“Forty.” Jim echoed horriffed. “What-- How did-- Why did it take you so long?”

“Forty is still quite young for a Vulcan.” Spock said leaning back. “Our friendship began quite differently, than yours did." Spock says. "I was assigned as his science officer and later promoted to first officer. We became good friends. We relied on each other.” His voice seemed to grow very distant, sadness creeping across the stoic look on his face as he wavered a moment regaining his own self-control.

“We were T’hy’la. We shared a strong and rare bond that no Vulcan could explain, nor did it need to be. It was mine, and mine alone. I regret that our intimacies at first were limited to the mental and spiritual aspects of our lives. Every time he took my hand I felt as you described to me earlier. With every touch a deep ache in my chest was suddenly filled and I was happy. But I never told him how it felt to me, what those simple touches meant to me. The little things we shared were enough. We never consolidated a physical aspect early on, but he loved me and I him, with all my heart, I belonged to him. Both of us wandered through our time with other lovers, but I was always his and then one day... he was suddenly mine.”

Jim swallowed. “What happened?”

Spock completely turned a dark viridian green. “I went through my second Pon farr since meeting him, it is something that all Vulcans must go through every 7 years. After that we were never separated. We bonded completely until he left this plain of existence. But I know he's waiting for me just beyond the thin veil that separates us.” His eyes that had grown distant as he talked suddenly came back into focus. He looked at Jim with a soft expression. “In the meantime I get to see you.”

They fell quiet once again and Jim watched as Spock got lost in his own thoughts.

His Pon farr? What was a Pon farr? Jim desperately wanted to ask but felt that this would be the wrong thing to focus on. He hated to pull Spock's attention away from his museings but Jim had some more pressing questions to ask.

“Will you...Tell me about the moment you knew you fell in love? Was it because of the T’hy’la bond? Is that what does it? You two had each other in your timelines. And I…this timeline, this universe, it’s not the same. Do you think I could have a T’hy’la bond? Or do you think…” Jim clenched his fists, his gloves creaking. “Do you think that this feeling I have for him is one sided? Am I just love sick?”

“I believe you do share the sacred bond, but it seems to be broken.”

“A broken bond? Is that possible? Did I do something wrong?”

“I can not be certain unless I mind meld with you.”

“Mind meld? Like we did when we first met?” Kirk looked away a bit hesitant, a mind meld was pretty invasive, but he wanted-- no scratch that- He needed answers.

“Will this mind meld answer all my questions?” He said looking back into the wrinkled face of his only ally. 

Spock nodded.

“Do it.”

Spock raised his hand to his face and lightly touched his psi-points.“My mind to your mind,” he whispered, but then gasped in pain and ripped his hand away.

“What? What happened?” Jim asked fear filling his voice, as Spock cradled his hand as if it had been burned.

Spock Prime took a moment to compose himself before he answered, looking back at Jim, a single tear dropped from his left eye. 

“Spock!”

“You are in so much pain.” Spock stated simply.

“I’m not the one cradling my hand.” Jim frowned. “It was the emotional transference wasn't it, God I'm sorry Spock, I have been trying to be careful,” He held up his still gloved hands tucked into his sleeves. “But I forgot.” He said looking down miserably. 

Spock nodded in understanding taking one of Jim’s gloved hands in his. “Is this how you have been hiding your emotions from my younger counterpart?”

Jim nodded, tears beginning to gather in his own eyes. “I knew if he touched me, he’d know everything. I have worn nothing but long sleeved things and covered as much of my skin as possible when he’s around.”

Spock nodded once more still holding one of his gloved hands and began reaching back up with his other.

“What are you doing!” Jim cried as he jerked his face away. “You’ll hurt yourself again!”

Spock turned his kind eyes on him. “Jim, I was not prepared for the pain yes, but I would suffer anything for you.”

With those words Jim could no longer hold back the tears that were now freely streaming down his face.

“But I’m not your Jim.” He said weakly.

“That does not mean I do not love you any less.” He held up his wrinkled hand, his knobby fingers outstretched in a question, waiting for permission before continuing. 

Jim bit his lip “Okay, show me everything.”


	4. The Meld

Jim instantly felt Spock’s essence enter his mind. His mind was accepting letting the Vulcan in, but not without a little fight. For some reason his mind didn’t want such an intrusion, but he could feel Spock fighting for a hold. A brief moment passed and something in him seemed to recognize Spock and then it was all he could do to stop his mind from crying out.

He felt something in within himself pull at his very soul. Reaching. Searching. Scrabbling to find some sort of purchase to latch onto in the comfort of Spock’s presence, but he was finding no such place to go. His mind seemed to hit a wall.

“Jim no, you must hold your mind back. I am not the one you wish to bond with.”

Pain in his head flared like acid eroding on his consciousness and he flinched back at Spock rejection. His mind recoiled in on itself, trying to escape the pain. 

There was a soft light that lit their shared space and a manifestation of Spock Prime appeared. Cool and comforting his light glowed like a strong beacon in the dark. It gently stroked the aching walls of Jim’s mind back from its depths. Coaxing him from out of hiding.

Jim’s headache receded.

“Jim, I must go deeper, I can feel your bond nearby, but you seem to have it hidden away. Do you grant me permission?”

Jim’s mind only responded with a soft cry for help. 

Spock projected further into Jim’s mental facilities and soon his physical appearance appeared solidly in his mind.

“Jim. Why don’t you join me? We can look for the Bond together.” Spock asked quietly as if speaking to a frightened child.

A tiny yellow blip appeared and Jim realized that it was himself. 

“Good. Now construct a physical image of yourself so that we may walk together in this plane.”

Jim concentrated and suddenly he was standing next to the elder Vulcan. Looking around he stared into the expansive darkness that surround them. 

“Where are we?”

“We are in your mind.”

Jim looked around. “It’s kind of...dark in here.”

“It seems that you’ve shut down most of your mindscape.”

“Shut it down? What does that mean?”

Spock gathered his long robes in his hands and bent over, touching the black floor and mumbled something in Vulcan. “I believe you were in so much pain that you wanted to forget how to feel. So you subconsciously shut everything off.”

“So you mean this is like my house and I just turned the lights off?”

“ In a sense.”

Spock straightened himself back up and Jim felt a bit of Déjà vu as he walked around looking into the darkness. It reminded him of when he had let him into his quarters and he had been looking at his collectables on his walls.

“Come with me. I can feel your mind trying to bond with me, so I can feel the pull. If I follow that, we should be able to locate your broken bond.”

Jim felt embarrassment bloom through the meld and Spock responded with the feeling of amusement. “Do not be ashamed Jim. I know you truly don't want to bond with me, but with my counterpart. Your mind is confused at my presence here. I am Spock, but not the one your bond is looking for.”

They walked for a bit and Jim couldn’t tell if they were moving forward at all. He could hear echoes of laughter or remembered conversations that sounded like they were bouncing off distant walls, far away from where they seemed to beheading. Every now and again a flutter of images would appear and glimpses of his Spock would be shown in series of flashes and then they’d be gone. It seemed his mind was always thinking of him.

What if this didn’t help? What if they never found the bond? What if Spock prime was mistaken, and Jim could never, nor would ever share anything with his Spock.

He began to spiral into a self induced panic. 

Spock Prime could feel all of this through the meld and sent waves of comfort to him as they walked. 

“Spock...why does this broken bond only seem to be affecting me? I would have thought it would be harder for a Vulcan who regularly shares bonds with others, than for a human who has never had one. I mean I…I am struggling to get up each day, yet my Spock seems to be the epitome of perfect health.”

“If he is me, than trust me, he too is suffering. Although I do not assume he realizes the cause just yet. Ah, I think we have found it.”

They both walked forward and could see a muted golden glow. As the got closer Jim could see that it looked like the base of a massive tree, the branches of which were twisted and frayed, jutting out in unnatural ways. It appeared as if a redwood tree had been split apart violently by a massive destructive bolt of lightning. The bark looked like it was harboring fire, flaking gold and rusted metal. Specks of golden ash crumbled away before him and seemed to float away on a breeze he could not feel. The roots that dug into the ground went from being a muted and tarnished bronze to sickly purple and black veins spreading out underneath their feet. The veins throbbed, pumping swollen intense pain through the base and Jim could somehow feel it spreading deeper into his mind.

“Is that it?”

“I believe so.” Spock commented darkly. “It should not appear this way. It is deeply damaged.”

“Can you repair it?”

“I will do what I can, but based on what I see before me, you will either have to bond with Spock or have it dissolved by a healer, down on Vulcan. Otherwise I believe it will erode your mind away and you will become mad.”

Spock went up to the gnarly thing careful not to touch it. He closed his eyes and Jim suddenly felt warmth spreading through his head. It took him a second to realize what he was feeling.

Love.

It was soothing the swollen veins and returning their color from black to a muted gold. The flakes smoothed themselves back into place in patches and the twisted branches creaked.

Spock was projecting all of his love to him and Jim felt its effects. He felt him everywhere. Surrounding him and encompassing his soul and being wrapped up in so much tender emotion he felt like he was floating in Euphoria.

Then, all at once it stopped. Jim’s head felt fuzzy, but not in a bad way. The pain was gone, and Jim could feel Immense amounts of warmth and tenderness still flowing through the meld.

“That is the best that I can do without fully bonding with you.”

Jim didn’t say anything. He didn’t know if he could. They stood there quietly and looked at the broken bond.

“I don’t want to be in pain anymore.” Jim said numbly.

“I understand.”

Jim couldn’t stand the sight of the sickly bond anymore and he placed his head in his hands. “How can I get my Spock to love me? What do I need to do to win you over?”

Spock’s eyes never left the bond. “I do not know. As I have stated previously it was different for me and my Jim. But I too suffered a neglected bond. Not quite as bad as yours, but bad enough.”

Jim looked at the splintered tree. “So you have one of these?”

Spock didn’t answer and Jim got the impression that he wasn’t going to. 

He could feel that the subject was painful to him through the meld and he quickly changed the subject. Spock had just done so much for him and he didn’t want to make his savior reveal any unnecessary pain.

“Will you show me your memory? The moment you fell in love?”

Spock finally turned to him. “Of course Jim. It is one my favorite memories and I often go to visit it when I meditate.”

Spock deepened the meld and lowered his mental shields, in order to project his memories and emotions. The landscape around them shifted and suddenly they were on a different planet.

“You said you wished to see the moment I knew I loved my Jim is that correct?”

Jim nodded. 

“Then I will show you.”

Jim followed the Elder Vulcan up the side of a cliff that seemed to lower into a grassy valley. He was surprised to see how fast Spock was moving considering how he had struggled to climb out of the shuttle.

“So you did notice that,” Spock called back. “Yes, my knees are not what they used to be, but this is a memory. There are no physical restrictions here.”

Jim spotted two figures in the tall grass that grew all around them, and once they got closer he recognized the back of his own head.

“Is that?”

“Yes they are us, from another time.”

“I can feel you as your standing there, like a echo of your emotions and thoughts.” Jim said in awe. “It's a little disorienting.”

“Yes I am projecting my emotions from the memory and feeding them to you now.”

“This is cool it’s like live feed. Kind of like a play, and they, I mean we, are the actors.”

Spock Prime nodded but seemed to be watching the events unfolding before them, and Jim taking the hint to shut up stood there in silence and watched as the two men before them talked to each other.


	5. The Memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Spock Prime are watching this Memory unfold before them but they will not interact with it. The Memory is from young Spock primes point of view.

It was another mission, another opportunity for disaster. 

Although, that was all part of the adventure Spock supposed. Well the Captain’s adventure. This was his job.

Chasing James T. Kirk around the universe, making sure he didn’t end up dead took up most of his talents, and it was job that he never took lightly. But sometimes It was akin to a parent chasing a unruly child through a sweets shop.

So here he was once again, chasing after his Captain into the very heart of danger all for the welfare of others. Spock glanced up to the darkening sky and noticed the clouds taking on a eerie green hue.

They had been about transport back up to the ship with their away packs of goods, when Kirk had heard the matriarch of the Mulkin clan send a distress signal to the ship. Four small children of the royal family had slipped from their retainers and had wandered off into the foothills of the jetted terrain outside of the cities dome walls. No one knows how they had gotten out, however it was imperative that they returned them to within the walls that kept its residents safe. A deadly storm that was frequent to the planet was coming upon them fast. 

The sky rumbled as more clouds rolled in closer to the ground. 

The Mulkin people who inhabited this newly signed federation outpost, warned them that if they weren’t back with the children in enough time, they would be forced to seal the entrances shut for the safety of the other residents until the storm was over. Leaving them trapped outside and at mercy to the weathers whim. 

“Captain, I am picking up readings of the children just up head.” 

“I don’t see them Spock they could be anywhere!”

“ It is logical to think that the children must have run to the first shelter they saw. Look for possible hiding places on a low level that might attract children.”

“Got it! Think like a kid!” Kirk placed his hand to his eyes and scanned the area. A deafening crash of thunder cut through the sky and the tremor rolled through the ground beneath their feet. 

They both heard the screaming. 

Heads snapping in unison, they both looked towards the source of the sound that had come from underneath a tree. Four pairs of eyes shined with tears his from beneath the lower branches that whipped about around them, their tiny bodies clinging to the trunk.

“There they are!” Kirk said as he grabbed Spock by the shoulder. “Come on.”

Scrambling over to the tree Kirk hit the ground hard with his knees to be at eye level with the kids. “Shhh its ok. We’re here to take you home.”

Another clap of thunder ripped across the land and the clouds were now turning black from its earlier green. The atmosphere seemed to boil in motion and hard and heavy rain started to pour from the sky.

The children screamed again and ran straight into Kirks waiting arms.

“Spock, we have to find shelter fast!” Kirk screamed over the wind that had begun to whip against them violently. They would not make it back to the city in time.

“I’m aware of that Captain, but finding a place to accommodate all six of us will be difficult.” Spock said looking down at the four small Mulkin children clinging to Kirks legs and waist. They buried their faces against Kirk in an attempt to hide from him. When they had first arrived to the Meldon planet, the Mulkin adults, like the children had been afraid of Spock’s appearance and it had taken some reasoning on his Captains part to get them to see that he was no threat. But reason didn’t mean anything to children. They only knew that his appearance frightened them. 

Spock wasn’t to good with children of any species. They seemed highly illogical and did things he did not quite understand. Vulcan children quickly mastered their own discipline and therefore could be tolerated much better than others.

Turning away from them so as not to cause them more discomfort, Spock surveyed the storms progress in growth.

Even under the protection of the tree, cold rain pelted heavily down on them and Kirk was doing his best to shield the children from the horrible onslaught. 

“Wait, Spock! Look up there!” 

Spock blinked the water from his eyes and followed his captains gaze to a small opening along the face of the mountain range a few yards from them. He looked down at his Tricorder to read the geographical data. “Yes captain, there seems to be a group of caves there, but they might be unstable.”

Kirk looked up into the now pitch black sky that swirled around them.

“At this point we have no choice, we’ll have to risk it!” He yelled as he grabbed the youngest child in his arms and ran to the cave opening with the three others in tow.

Spock followed suit and helped the children climb up onto the rocks that lead to the cave opening. Taking care not to touch his skin, the children tugged away from him as soon at they were all safe within the cave walls. They had allowed his help even though they still seemed to be afraid of Spock’s appearance. 

Climbing up behind them as the last one to enter the caves opening, Spock blinked, allowing a moment for his eyes to adjust to the minimal light. Even in the dim light, his sharp vision easily picked out the tense line of his captain’s shoulders as the children all clustered around him, having taken to him as a parental figure. He radiated protectiveness and was gently rocking a crying child in his left arm while rubbing the back of another, trying to get them to all calm down.

“We’re safe. Don’t you worry, Mr. Spock and I won’t let anything happen to you. Isn’t that right Mr.Spock.” 

“Captain I do not think you should tell them unreliable information. We do not know-“

He could see the fear return to the children’s eyes before Kirk interrupted him to repeat “We are safe. Don’t you worry, Mr. Spock and I won’t let anything happen to you. Isn’t that right Mr.Spock.” He said giving him a pointed look.

Spock leveled his gaze upon the children. “Affirmative. The Captain and I will make sure you get back home.”

They once again gave Spock a wide berth. As he stepped further into the cave to join them.

“Spock how long do you think the storm will last?” He asked quietly over the head of the child in his arms.

“Captain I could not tell you due to insufficient data. These storms were never fully documented on the previous visit from the other landing parties when this planet was discovered. They only seemed to concerned about diplomatic treaties than the ecology of the world.”

“Right, well try to contact Dr. McCoy back in the city and tell him we found the missing children.”

“Yes captain.” Spock pulled out his communicator and flipped it open. 

“Spock to Dr.McCoy.”

“This is Dr. McCoy here, did you find the children?”

“Affirmative. The Captain is with them now.”

“I’m glad to hear it Spock. Any injuries I should know about?”

Spock looked back to his Captain, who had settled on the ground at the back of the cave against a wall with the children huddled around him. 

“None to report.”

“That's good news. I have been having one hell of a time trying to keep the Queen from having fits of hysteria about her missing children.”

“You can tell her that her worries are quite founded due to the nature of the storm, however we have located a cave in which we have sought shelter. Doctor, could you inquire the Mulkin’s and ask how long the duration of their planets storms last?”

Spock heard McCoy murmur something to someone on his end.

“They’re tell’n me it can last from 6 to 9 Hours at a time. But you guys have those packs that you beamed down with to carry the Mulkin’s gifts back. It should have some medical herbs and native foods in them.”

“Indeed.” It was a most fortunate situation for them to be in. Most of the time when they found themselves stranded they had to find other means to survive or curve their hunger. Now with their packs, it would not be much of a concern.

“How are you doing Spock? Are you doing alright?” The doctors soft voice questioned. Spock lifted a brow.

“Doctor I am adequate. However I find it strange that you are asking after my health first, instead of the Captains.”

“Dammit Spock! Jims probably fine and has the children to keep him company. I am more worried about your Vulcan body in this weather. It will get colder as the storm gets stronger, will you be alright?”

“Very astute Doctor.” Spock looked down at his soaked uniform and the puddles that the rivets of water rolling of his person formed. 

“I shall be fine.” Spock could hear a series of unintelligible grumbling coming from the Doctor. Something about lying Vulcans.

“Vulcans do not lie.”

“FINE! But I want hourly updates.” McCoy demanded.

“Our communications might cease to function once the storm reaches its climax. You are already starting to go in and out.”

Spock could hear the Doctor trying to reply, but sooner than he had predicted his communicator went dead.

Now that it had been brought to the forefront of his attention Spock shivered slightly. It was very cold in the cave.

He supposed he could regulate his temperature with meditation but it would only be effective for 4 maybe 5 hours. He looked at Kirk and saw that he was still trying to calm the children down. They were all wet and shivering.

Kirk felt his gaze and looked up. “What did Bones say?”

He came closer to report but two of the Mulkin Children squirmed closer to Kirk, and based on his sharp intake of breath, they were pressing against his ribs.

Spock stopped and glanced at his Captain for guidance.

Kirk grunted as he shifted on the floor and turned to Spock and smiled. “Go ahead Mr. Spock.”

“The storm is expected to last 6-9 hours Captain”

The cave they were in suddenly flooded with light and a crash of thunder shook the walls.

There were tiny steals and screams coming from the frightened children. “It’s ok. Everything’s fine. I promise.” Kirk assured them and the shakings topped. “Spock do you think you could hand me my pack?”

Spock glanced around before locating the abandoned pack at the entrance of the cave. He walked over and scooped it up, letting the water that had collected on the fabric slide off. The weather proof packs had certainly done their job well.

Spock walked over to Kirk pack in hand when his gaze met with the youngest child on Kirks lap. She burst into tears and wrapped her arms tightly around his Captains neck.

And she wasn’t the only child to get upset. All of the children watched Spock with fear in their eyes as he approached them with the pack.

Kirk shifted once again obviously uncomfortable with the tiny knees and elbows pressing into him seeking comfort and trying to get away from Spock.

“Er, thanks Spock. You can set the pack down there. Why don’t you, um, why don’t you go survey the area or try to meditate or something. We are gonna be here awhile. I can see that there is a smaller cavern just over there.”

Spock understood Kirks reasoning and nodded.

His presence was agitating the children and making it harder for the captain to calm them down. He straightened himself and walked back to the little cavern. 

It was small and cramped and he had to lean down in order to gain entry but that would be no bother to him. It was unnervingly quiet back here. The sounds of the storm didn’t seem to reach this far into the mountain. He sat down and crossed his legs. Maybe he truly could meditate. 

He tangled his hands in his lap, inhaling deeply as he closed his eyes in an attempt to still his agitated thoughts.

His sensitive hearing picked up the drips of water rolling off his clothes and the murmured voice of his Captain talking to the children. He blocked them out.

His body wanted to shiver but he suppressed the urge. 

He delved into his mind constructing the mindscape of the hot sands on Vulcan. There he could trick his body into believing he was warm. He walked though his mind sifting through all of the emotions he had encountered so far that day. This was something he usually saved for his nightly routine but if he had to time to do so now, he would. He pulled on his memory to examine the emotions he had felt earlier and placed them in different categories. The more complex ones he would examine further when he meditated later on that night in the comfort of his quarters back on the ship.

After quickly and efficiently completing his task he began to walk along the desert sands in his mind. He missed his planet. The sun. The heat. His mother. But he would not have traded his job on the Enterprise for anything else. Vulcan may have been his planet, but the Enterprise was his home.

He felt a strange tug from where he kept his familial bonds and shifted his mind over to see them. 

Bright and humming with blue and green hues, he carefully walked along his bonds that resembled beams of light that shot straight up into the sky never seeming to have a end. He walked up to the thickest one, and allowed himself to do something he never did out of the comfort of his own mind. He gave a tiny smile.

It was his mother's bond that had pulled at him. Spock could tell she was troubled but not in danger. Her bond with him often did this, for she constantly worried about him despite his protests on how he was faring. He made a mental note to contact her later and continued on down the line of his other bonds that hummed to him. His father, his sister, his brother. They all seemed adequate. As he reached the end he heard a deep and resounding thrum. He knew it well. 

His T’hy’la. 

It called out.

Spock turned his head away and ignored it. It was the only bond he had ever walked away from. It would remain unexamined until he was ready to adequately appreciate its worth. He did not wish to look at it further. It confused him and he had no desire to investigate its presence in his mind. He did not desire such a thing. He was not worthy.

He started back to the imagery he had constructed of Vulcan when the bond began to sing. The sound wave that it sent out was low and carried power. 

Spock was nearly knocked off his feet. The sound blanketed him, overflowing with emotion that was deep and unrelenting. His soul began to burn and it felt as if he himself was getting weaker, yet somehow even stronger than before. His mind he began to weep. He longed for his bondmate.

Craved it on a primitive level.

The bond hurt. But at the same time gave comfort. It thrummed its melody picking up speed in a higher pitch than that of which he had never heard before. It wanted to be complete.

Spock couldn’t do that. He did not share those feelings with his Captain.

Spock turned to the bond, that pulsed with life. It was not blue or green but blinding white like a thousand blazing suns.

It sang to him.

It would not be ignored.

Spock was knocked over then onto his back as if the ground had been yanked beneath his feet. He was being pulled towards the bond. He clawed at the red sand in his mind, but it was no use. It dragged him right to the very bottom of the bond and then released its hold before he fully made contact. Then stopped.

It would have to be his choice. To completely touch the bond he had been ignoring.

Spock got to his feet. The bonds song turned achingly sweet almost serenading him, anticipating his decision. He seemed to have no other choice. He reached out and touched it. 

The bond rejoiced at Spock’s acknowledgement and the song burst forth in its full power shaking the very edges of Spock’s consciousness and piercing through Spock’s meditative state. 

It was as if he had been dragged from his own mind. 

Spock’s eyes remained closed as he sat still on the cold stone floor, listening to the echo of sonics beyond the stone wall that separated his tiny cavern from the room the children shared with the captain.

Someone really was singing.

Indeed, his mind now shifted focus to his auditory system, craving more, analyzing the infinitesimal reverberations within each sound. His mental shields having been shook open flooded with sensation, as the voice caressed through his tympanic membranes.

It was his Captain. Jim.

“Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high  
And the dreams that you dream of, once in a lullaby  
Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly  
And the dreams that you dream of, dreams really do come true~”

Spock listened to his Captains voice, which was low and sweet. His deep and sincere voice quietly traveled back to him and it became apparent that he was singing to the children.

He had never heard a sound so pure before and for some illogical reason he was filled with a bit… of envy. That emotion took Spock by surprise. Why envy? Illogical. Completely illogical. He was only singing to children. 

He tampered that emotion down, but as Kirk continued to sing it popped back again. 

He wished Kirk would sing for him.

Illogical. 

He once again tampered the emotion down and stowed it away for later examination. This time he was successful.

Spock continued to listen to the captains song. The tune brushed along the fine hairs within his ears, stimulating the skin surrounding his auditory canal. It caused a need to burn in his chest. Jim sounded so passionate about what he was singing it resonated somewhere deep within him and made him breathless. The amount of emotion in the captain's voice was overwhelming, it was full of everything Spock was running from, everything he was trying to push back and hide. Raw and untampered, his voice was thick with it.

For a brief moment, Spock really did believe in lemon drops high above chimney tops.

When the song finished Spock suddenly felt empty. 

He listened carefully hearing his captain continue on and he realized the song had been part of a story about a girl from Kansas whose house was swept up in a twister and then deposited in a land full of people called munchkins.

Spock having recognized the name Kansas, realized that it was a Terran based story. Kirk must have thought that the Mulkin children would like it because their species name closely resembled munchkin.

The whole story seemed illogical. 

A young woman and her dog, transported to a surreal landscape, where she ends up killing witches and her new found friends want anatomically incorrect body parts, from a man hiding in a closet. Then for it to all have been a dream.

Completely and utterly and unpredictably illogical. Just like his Captain.

When the story went quiet, Spock opened his eyes and turned his head to listen. All that greeted his ears was the sound of soft breaths.

Based on the rate of breath, he concluded that the children had fallen asleep.

He waited for a few minutes just to be certain before he climbed out of the little alcove and saw that his captain had gotten three of children to lie down in a corner, fast asleep. Kirk himself was leaning against the wall looking exhausted as the fourth and smallest child clung to him. His eyes were closed as he too was trying to take a nap.  
The wind howled just outside the cave entrance and Spock found himself amazed that Kirk had somehow lulled them to sleep.

Kirks head rolled to the side, his eyes opening signalling that he had sensed Spock presence “Spock, is that you? I didn’t disturb your meditation, did I?” 

Spock neither confirmed nor denied whether or not Kirk had broken his meditation.

Kirks expression tilted upward, a lifting of lips and eyebrows with a softening around the edges of his eyes. “Sorry about that.” He said his eyes sparkling.

“It is no consequence.”

“Come sit next to me.”

Spock glanced over at the children asleep on the floor, than down to the one on his lap. “I feel that would be unwise due to the children's aversion to me. I do not wish to startle them when they arise.”

Kirk shrugged. “We will deal with it if that happens.” Spock leveled his neutral gaze upon Kirk as he looked up and smiled at him, “Come on I could use some adult company while we wait for the storm to pass. Besides I missed you.”

“I was not aware my absence would cause you distress Captain. I was only a few feet from you.” He said dryly making Kirk chuckle. 

“Yes, but that's not where you belong.”

“And where would that be Captain?”

He patted the floor next to him. “Have a seat Mr. Spock,” he said.

Spock joined his Captain on the floor, a little shiver running through his body at the contact of fresh cold stone.

The captain leaned his head back, a prolonged stream of breath expelling from his parted lips. “Cold in here isn't it. Are you doing alright? I heard Bones saying that Vulcans don't do well in the cold.”

Spock wrapped his arms around his waist. “ Vulcan's are not well adapted to the cold. Our climate on Vulcan is several degrees warmer than that of earth. Physiologically, our bodies are not capable of surviving colder temperatures. Already, my core temperature is several degrees lower than acceptable.”

“I see. How adverse would you be to wearing my clothes?”

“Captain, You are just as wet as I.”

“True, but I may have something dry for you to wear. I brought along a sweater.”

“If you indeed have such a thing I urge you to wear it.” Spock said primly his eyes traveling over Kirk's form. His nose and cheeks were beginning to tinge with the red signs of frostbite, and Spock could see that his joints were aching with the burning cold. 

“I’m fine Spock I have this rugrat to keep me warm.” He said nodding down to the sleeping child in his lap. “You however look like you could use some extra layers. So what do you say?”

“I would not be adverse to some such notion.” He said looking down at his wet uniform. However Captain if you indeed have a sweater, I think that you should be the one-“

Kirk rolled his eyes at him. “Stop Spock, I will not be persuaded, now grab my pack. If you look down in the bottom you should see a red sweater, hopefully the pack kept it safe from the rain.”

Spock did as his Captain asked and grabbed his pack and began to dig to the bottom. When his fingers brushed the fabric of the sweater he froze. 

It was improbable. Spock pulled out the woolly sweater from the pack and stared. 

“Captain-“

But he was stopped by the up held hand of Kirk’s who thought he wanted to argue about who should wear the sweater again.

“Just put it on Spock, that’s an order.” He said shifting the sleeping toddler on his chest.

Spock's gaze was unwavering, but he ran a thumb across the deep russet color of the yarn under the tips of his fingers. Pulling back the collar slightly he confirmed his suspicions. 

There just under the rim was sewn his name in the Vulcan script. His mother had sewn it there so if he lost it, the sweater could be returned to him.

“Where did you get this?” Spock asked evenly.

“Um, some shop on Panriver IV. I saw it displayed in a window and I couldn’t help myself. It just looked so warm and inviting... like, I don’t know. I was just drawn to it.”

Spock felt his brows lower a fraction. “Captain we have not been to that planet in 5.3 months. In that time I have never seen you wear this.”

“Oh, well Mr.Spock I normally wear it in my quarters when filling my reports.” He shrugged. “I always get a bit nippy with the cool air in my quarters.”

“Captain if the room temperature in your quarters are not agreeable, why not have a computer adjust it to more comfortable settings?”

Jim’s brilliant teeth flashed a smile. “Because then I would have no reason to wear it.”

“That is most illogical.”

Jim chuckled quietly, deep vibrations which came from with in his chest as to not wake the sleeping children. The sound of it warmed Spock 3.5 degrees.

“I’m Human. We do things most illogical. Just put the sweater on. “

His entire body ached dully, as he peeled off his sopping uniform shirt, and replaced it with the soft thick sweater. It fit just as he remembered it.

“Better Mr. Spock? It’s really warm right?” Kirk tilted his head in examination, his eyes swiftly sweeping over Spock. “It’s probably my favorite piece of clothing... it looks good on you.”

Spock narrowed his eyes a fraction and was about to comment but then decided it would be best to disregard such an illogical and, to his mind, far from true statement. “Jim, are you sure you are warm enough?” he asked instead, searching his Captains hazel eyes.

The captain’s face suddenly transformed into a mischievous grin, once again catching Spock off guard. “Of course Spock, seeing you warm, warms me as well. Your company always warms me.”

He placed a hand on Spock’s shoulder and rubbed it back in forth in comfort. Then he quickly removed his hand almost as a afterthought.

Spock returned the gaze with a quizzical look in his eyes. “Captain, I...” he stopped, unsure how to respond to a proclamation he had never thought to hear from Kirk. He took a deep breath before he opened his mouth to continue but Kirk's communicator beeped, suddenly jolted him from his building sense of emotional compromise. He watched as Kirk flipped the case open. “Kirk here.”

“Jim,” McCoys voice emanated from the speaker. Although his tone was dulled by the imperfect technology of the communication device.

“Scotty thinks he found a way to transport you all back to the inner city through the storm.”

Kirk turned to Spock and smiled. “That’s great.”

“Just give him a few seconds and we’ll have you back in a jiffy.”

“That’s good to hear, me and Spock are practically popsicles.” He grabbed Spock’s hand and rubbed his thumb across his knuckles. “Ready to be warm Mr. Spock?”

Spock just nodded not trusting his voice to say anything.

Kirks eyes twinkled at him. “Okay, Bones tell Scotty to energize.”

The high pitched burr echoed through the cavern as six forms beamed out.

Two unseen forms remained, one with silent tears streaming down his face.


	6. The Spy

The landscape of the caverns shifted around them and they seemed to be back in front of Jim’s broken bond.

They stood there silently for a long time both lost in their own Internal thoughts and battles.

“Spock,” Jim spoke hesitantly. “ I’m a little confused. At which point in that memory did you realize that you loved him. Was it the recognition of the t’hy’la bond? Was it his singing or the way he handled the children? Or did it have something to do with the sweater?”

Spock turned and gazed at Jim, seeming to gather his thoughts together.

“It was everything. Firstly I knew the bond was there but I chose to ignore it believing that I was unworthy of such a rare and precious thing that was so treasured amongst my people. It cried out to me just as you saw and I was forced to acknowledge its existence.” 

Spock turned his gaze to Jim’s broken bond and took a deep breath. His eyes studied the frayed branches and burning cracks intently.

“ Secondly,” he continued on. “It was the sweater. You see that sweater used to be mine. It was knitted for me by my mother just before I left for the Academy at Starfleet. I carried it with me for many years before finally selling it at a star base on Panriver IV. I had no use for such clothing aboard the enterprise and found that I needed the excess room in my quarters. Little did I know that as soon as I sold it, my Jim had bought it again within the hour from the very same shop. I never told him that the sweater had been mine and he never found out.”

Spock folded his hands neatly in front of him, and Jim felt the hints of regret flow through the meld between them.

“Jim was a kind Captain. Did everything he could for his ship and his crew, but when he refused to wear the sweater I knew that he had done so for my benefit alone and no other reason. He wasn’t doing just to be a good captain, or a good friend. He was doing it because he cared about me personally.”

He tilted his head to the side. “Due to my half breed status, I had never know such care from others, and I promised myself after that day that I would not just look out for Jim as my Captain, but as one that might look after a bondmate. I would take care of my other half.”

Jim walked up to Spock and placed his hand on the older Vulcans shoulder. He knew how much it had cost Spock to show him such a personal thing, and he was touched.

He wanted to say thank you...but he had not received the type of answers he had been looking for.

So far he had learned that he shared a rare bond with his Spock, the bond had been broken and that he was no closer to figuring out how to trigger Spock’s feelings for him. 

What could he do? Stage an elaborate plan involving Spock’s clothes? Should he sing to him? He shook his head slightly. Surely not. The only way Jim could see them getting together was if and when Spock would recognize the t’hy’la bond between them and decide wether or not he wanted to be with Jim. 

That ment it would ultimately be up to him.

Jim would have to wait.

Jim’s bond flared angrily before them almost as if he had thrown accelerant on a fire and awoken a monstrous creature. It flashed and threw sparks and Jim could feel the roots throb and twist as they grew deeper into his mind. He cried out in pain.

Spock slightly frowned. “Perhaps it is time to end the Meld.” He said grasping his own head in pain. What ever Jim felt, he was feeling too.

Jim was suddenly thrown back into reality and he blinked a few times to let his eyes adjust. His cheeks felt wet and he choked out a short breath with a tiny bit of crazed laughter. 

“Spock, what am I doing?” he groaned helplessly feeling like he wanted to find the most isolated part of the ship and curl up in a corner and cry. 

“I’m a big bad Starfleet Captain, I have the universe at my fingertips! I have everything I ever wanted and yet, I feel like I have nothing at all.”

Jim sighed and lowered his gaze so that he was looking at a point somewhere over Spock’s shoulder. “Maybe you were right Spock.” He said evenly. “Maybe it would be in my best interest to have the bond removed by a healer down on Vulcan. My Spock he...he’s in a relationship with my communications officer. They are pretty serious and the truth is, my Spock will never come to me on his own terms.” 

He swallowed hard. “I am not willing to wait any longer. If I have the bond removed will my feelings for Spock go away?”

Spock Prime slowly considered his words. “I do not believe so, however it may make the pain and the feeling of strong attachment disappear. However you can still be t’hy’la without romantic involvement. The bond is for friends and brothers too.”

Spock took a moment to study Jim’s face. “If you wished it, I could accompany you down to the planets surface and we could have a healer look at you. You could try and keep the bond, though you will have to face the fact that you might never have your Spock’s love.”

Jim looked up at the ceiling willing his tears to go back into his eyes.

“It’s just another option.” The Vulcan said quietly.

He blew out a steady breath.

“I can live with that. I can live with my unrequited love… and who knows maybe over time my feelings of love might fade. I can be happy for them.” Something invisible squeezed at his heart and he sighed. “But if I decide to have the bond removed will you support my decision?”

“If you feel that it would be the best course of action then I will support you. Remember I cannot control the path you take, for this isn’t my universe.”

“I’m scared Spock… help me not be. Help me not to hurt.” He placed his hands in his lap and looked down shyly. “Will you stay a bit, and just sit with me?”

He felt Spock’s hand find his own and squeezed it in reassurance, “I will not leave you Jim. I will stay as long you need me.” the Vulcans voice rang low and deep, the promise of his words giving him strength.

Spock placed his free hand on the back of his neck and began moving his thumb up and down in a soothing manner. His thumb softly brushing the exposed skin by his ear. It was a small comfort Jim hadn’t realized he’d needed until just now. He appreciated that Spock was emanating all the comfort and tranquility he was capable of giving through their physical touch. 

Jim found himself smiling, his heart feeling lighter.

He leaned forward, and laid a lovingly chaste kiss on Spock’s graying temple. It was the type of kiss one might have given a grandparent and Jim wanted to show how much he appreciated Spock Prime's help. “How is it you always know exactly what to say to make me feel better?”

A dark green blush spread across his soft cheeks, and his infamous eyebrow rose. “ You are so very much like my own Jim, ashayam, how could I not?”

Jim sighed leaning forward, allowing his forehead to meet Spock’s shoulder. “I’m so tired Spock.”

“Then sleep.”

After a few moments of silence, a gentle snore was was his only answer.

Spock gazed down at Jim’s sleeping form and then slowly raised his eyes to the shared bathroom door.

Someone had been watching them.

He strained his ears to listen for movement but the perpetrator was gone.

Perhaps that was for the best. 

He abhorred gossip but statistically only a select group of people could have had access to Spock’s quarters. If his being here on the ship were to get out, then maybe his younger self or Dr. McCoy would be notified bringing some much needed attention to Jim.

Spock laid them down on the bed and Jim snuggled into his side unconsciously. It was odd to be snuggled again. He hadn’t done such a thing in many years, not since his own Jim’s passing. Spock felt something akin to protectiveness grow in his chest.

He would be for this Jim. Just as he had been there for his own. If that meant staying with him while he slept, Spock then of course would not move from this spot. 

It was logical.

And if a certain someone happened to override the commands to Jim’s room and find them together on the bed, than what could be done about that?

Spock closed his eyes and waited for the eventual storm to come not bothered in the slightest


	7. Jealousy Is The Color Green

“Commander Spock we’re about to take a lunch break with the Vulcan science leaders, would you like to join us?”

The members of his away team stood in the doorway, clearly hoping their commander would join them.

“No. I wish to get this work done so that we may rendezvou back with the Enterprise on time.” Spock said not looking up from the lab table in front of him.

“Well if you change your mind we’ll be in conference room C.”

Spock gave no further indication that he was listening, so the team left without him.

He did not wish to eat. Not when this assignment stood between him and getting back to the ship. 

And more importantly, getting back to his Captain.

He was left alone in the large examination lab labeling some of the 130 small clay pots underneath magnification of the computers sensors. 

Their job transporting and helping classify the artifacts for the New Vulcan Science Center, was a simple and intriguing task and they had been ahead of schedule all morning thanks to Spock's proficient leadership skills. That was until Ms. Brown the Encryption Specialist, had discovered that some of the pots had signatures on them. Normally this matter would have fallen to the Science center for identification, however many of the Vulcan scientists who had studied in this area were all dead.

The destruction of Vulcan had really crippled the Science community, and even their Xenolinguistics expert was newly graduated out of the Science Academy. 

The situation concerning the reason for them wanting to use their own expert rather than the Enterprises, was they wanted the young Scientist to have some real world experience. Hence the reason they had declined Lieutenant Uhura's presence.

But even after a few hours with the young Vulcan, he had proven that he was not completely up to the monumental task of recognition and identification this job held, so the science Academy had asked Spock to do it.

Suddenly all that time they had saved that morning was suddenly going to be used up and they would now be behind schedule. 

130 clay pots. 30 clay tablets. 22 scrolls and 4 oil lamps recovered. Each item would need to be thoroughly examined for distinctive identification markers and then labeled for further science departments to look at.

Spock was somewhat knowledgeable in this field, so he had no problem taking a look, but he was not to pleased at how long this task was taking him. He did not wish to spend anymore time sorting through pots, he just wanted to get back to Jim.

He took a soft brush and dusted the bottom of the pot looking for the marks that had indicated a signature from its maker. The pots were small, the size of a Terran jam jar his mother used to make preservatives in. They came with tiny lids most of which stuck together from years of dirt coating them. Some of the pots had odd and unknown markings on them, however they seemed to have worn off over time and so any, if at all, of the Pre-reform Vulcan script was very difficult make out.

He put the pot he was holding back down onto the table and made a note on his PADD that this was the 20th pot with what looked to be the name V'latel written on the bottom.

Placing it aside with the other 19 pots that had the same name he picked up another and began the process of examination again.

It was a tedious task but like most Vulcans he was capable of compartmentalizing his thoughts. One on the task at hand. And one on his Captain.

Vulcans did not worry, he told himself over and over again. It was not logical. You can not control what was or will be, so the concept of worry should not register to him. He had always believed it to be a waste of mental energy and yet, as he sat in the the cool air controlled room surrounded by the plethora of artifacts underneath the New Vulcan Science academy, worry was the most likely term for how he feeling at that very moment.

He couldn’t help but think of Jim and his obvious physical distress. He was too thin and his normally bright eyes had diminished. It hurt Spock to see him this way, but what could be done? How could he offer his assistance? If his Captain did not wish to seek help than how could he do anything? He wanted to help, but was uncertain how. He did not wish to see him suffer anymore. 

Spock placed the pot gently down on the lab table and picked up another.

He should have stayed. 

Back in the debriefing room when Spock had confronted Jim about his health, he shouldn’t have taken no for a answer even if it did go against a command order. He could have used his brain to somehow twist the logic so that Jim would’ve had no other choice but to allow him to remain aboard to Enterprise, but Jim of course had been right in saying the Vulcans from the Science Academy would not accept anyone else to lead the away team into their archives. 

He shook his head. He needed to focus on getting his job done. That’s how he could help. The sooner he was done, the sooner he could be back on the ship with his Captain. Jim would be fine. He internally told himself. If anything happened to him, Dr. McCoy would see to his needs. There was no need for worry.

Spock picked up another pot and turned it around in his hands.

The knowledge of Jim’s hidden hurt was quite different to physically seeing it’s impact, and the knowledge that something, someone, had hurt Jim so greatly pained him. If he let himself feel the emotional response lurking in his mind, he had little doubt that he would be able to control himself. His pain at Jim’s hurt was only eclipsed by his carefully entrapped his emotions which he pushed down for later processing as any Vulcan might, and levelled his most determined gaze at the 108 pots left to examine.

He needed to be more focused to maximize his efficiency.

He should stop thinking about the Captain.

About Jim.

It seemed impossible.

Spock could feel it, something between them, their companionship had been disturbed. Spock had always been Jim’s confidant but now something was wrong and Jim was not giving him any indication of what it could be. Their friendship had been thrown off balance and Spock found that this state of affairs was unacceptable. He wanted to be back in Jim’s good graces.

He could not understand why Jim was behaving this way. It was not logical. He was obviously suffering from something as Nyota had pointed out, but what could it be? 

He found himself clenching his jaw. He cared greatly for him. In fact, if it hadn’t been for his Immaculate self control he would have found himself already emotionally compromised before his Captain.

Spock could admit to himself that he desired Jim in the most unprofessional manner and although he could not deny his physical attraction to Jim’s features, Spock kept his bodily urges, as every Vulcan did, strictly controlled by the greater influence of his mind. Apparently, his mental shields required reconditioning. He should not, out of respect for Jim, be thinking of his friend in such a manner.

He had actively kept his mental shields closed since Jim’s death, not wanting to feel the anguish of those around him who, like himself, had thought that he was gone forever.

He swallowed picking up another pot.

However, forcing his feelings to remain silent, despite the time he had had to enforce his mental shields, was becoming progressively more difficulty. He constantly had to stop such thoughts from crossing his mind, especially when he stared at the shared bathroom door when he retired for the night. 

It would be so simple for him to walk into his Captains quarters and…

Spock slammed another metal wall in place. This was not the time to be fantasizing about Jim. Especially when he seemed to be going through something. Nyota was right, what Jim needed now was a friend. Not a suitor.

He often wondered if his counterpart had felt the same way about his Captain. Did the Elder once desire his Jim as Spock did? Should he ask? He was here on New Vulcan. However there would be no time to drop by. The Ambassador was surly busy with other things and Spock did not wish to bother him. He quickly discarded the thought.

Spock placed the pot he had been examining back down and reached for another pot. Picking it up he paused hearing a rattle of something inside. Gently he turned it over in his hands and realized that this pot was different from the others. Although it was made of the same red clay it seem to have different markings and what looked to be hidden glass cut gems on the top. 

Carefully he tried to delicately lift the top of the lid off so that he could peer inside, but the pot like many of the others seemed to be stuck shut with age. 

Where had this been found at the excavation site?

He grabbed his PADD, setting the pot back down, to see if there was any notes about this distinctive pot in the documentation from the excavation team.

Glancing through Mr. Lucas’s notes he found that this particular pot had been found towards the back of the cave in what looked to be a bedroom of sorts.

And there were no other pots or lamps found beside it?

“Curious.” He murmured to himself. Most of the artifacts had been found in clusters.

Spock gently picked the pot back up and turned it over, once again hearing a bit of a rattle come from the inside. He looked closer at the markings that decorated the sides and bottom. 

Spock was no longer convinced this was just another pot.

He placed the pot under the magnification of the computers sensors and leaned in further. He pressed the scanner and made a 3D holographic model, so that he could have a bit of more thorough in his investigation. As soon as he did, he felt a bit of a thrill go through his stomach. 

This marking on the side... he had seen it before, but where?

It was a name. Of course it was a name it was logical that the creator of such pottery would have signed his piece like all the others but it was different from the previous name he had found on the other pots. After quickly looking around at the other clay vessels he determined that this piece was distinctly unique, made separate from all the others and It did not carry the same signature as the other craftsman that had marked his name on the bottom.

He knew this name and he knew these markings.

He had seen them from his studies at the ....Xenolinguistics club he had attended back at Starfleet Academy. He had made a note about it in the book he had given to Jim. If he could make a known connection with the name then it could give them all some clue as to where exactly this placed his Vulcan ancestors in history and what they were doing in a cave on one of Lyn’s moons from the Lyre sector.

He grabbed his com. “Spock, to Captain Kirk.”

“This is Sulu here.”

“Sulu? Where is the Captain?”

“He left the bridge right after you and your away team departed claiming he had something important to do. He left me to cover the rest of his shift.”

Spock went quiet. 

“I presume lieutenant Uhura is there?”

There was a pause and he could hear movement as Uhura stepped closer to the command chair.

“Yes Spock, is there something you need?”

“About two point eight months ago I gave the Captain a book of Vulcan poems from our Xenolinguistic club days. It has some notes written in the back of it that I require to make a proper identification on one of the artifacts.

“Oh yes, I remember that book. Let me try and get ahold of the Captain.”

His com beeped as they ended the transmission.

Spock looked down at the little pot. What could be inside? He wondered.

The Science academy would have to do more invasive scans of course, but he did not know if they would be able to get the pot open without compromising the pots structural integrity. It might remain a mystery for many years before the Vulcan High Commission would be ready to try and recover whatever was inside. They would want to thoroughly examine every little detail of the pots exterior before they even considered trying to get to whatever laid with in. This singular little pot could provide many interesting papers over the next millennium.

A true mystery indeed.

After few minutes passed Spock’s com beeped again, this time on his private line.

“I cannot get ahold of Jim it seems he turned his com off, but the computer says he’s in his room.” 

“Due to the nature of my need, it is critical that I have those notes.” 

“I will see what I can do. You said the book is in Jim’s quarters? He might be sleeping, but I will try and wake him.”

Spock almost told Nyota to leave him be, but duty came first so Jim would understand.

“Affirmative.”

“Ok give me a second.” And once again their coms disconnected. 

Spock wondered if he had made the right choice. Surly this extraordinary find did not warrant him disturbing Jim’s much needed sleep. If the Captain had Sulu covering the rest of his shift the he wasn’t planning on returning to the bridge. He must have felt he was not fit for duty.

That distinct feeling of worry suddenly arose in his chest.

To distract himself Spock picked up the strange pot to examine again while he waited. once he had that book he could make the positive identifications. 

When his com beeped again he opened it and left it on the table as he continued to turn the pot around in is hand.

“Spock!” He heard Nyota’s harsh whisper. “Can you hear me?”

Spock paused in his work confused. “Affirmative.”

“Ok so I’m in your quarters and I was thinking of using your shared bathroom to get into Jim’s room—“ her voice rushed out low and in a hurried manner.

“Nyota those are the Captains quarters, if he did not answer your summons,” Spock said disapprovingly picking up his com from the table. “I do not believe you should-“

“Spock listen to me!” She harshly whispered over his lecture on impropriety. She sounded as if she was trying to contain some sort of emotion he could not correctly identify. “He’s in his room with someone, it sounds like—“

He heard her gasp.

“Nyota?”

“Spock I don’t believe what I’m seeing! It’s Jim, he just—“

Spock felt his blood run cold. “He just what? Nyota what is wrong with him?” He felt his fingers grip the pot tighter in suspense.

“He just kissed Ambassador Spock.” She rushed out, shock coloring her voice.

Spock heard the sound of something shatter. 

Looking down, he barely registered the sharp pieces of clay crumbling under his grip.

Something dark and ugly rose in his chest and he felt his nostrils flare.

“I am beaming back right now.” Came his hard reply.

“No Spock! I don’t think-“

But Spock had slammed his communicator shut and then violently reopened it, almost breaking the cover.

“Spock to transporter room 3. One to beam up.”


	8. One Spock, Two Spock

Spock watched as the clay pots and stacks of paper disappeared from his view and the bright lights of the transport pad refilled his vision. 

“Commander Spock what brings you back so early?” A cheerful ensign began but the question soon died on his lips as the first officer leveled a glare at him.

Turning away Spock didn’t answer as he swept out of the room, determination in his every step.

He was going to find out what was going on and Surak help anyone who got in his way.

His senses heightened, his mind becoming sharper than a battle lirpa. The hairs on the nape of his neck rose like the cackles on a wild sehlat. His pre-reform ancestors must have felt this way when they crossed their desert sands into battle. That is what he felt like he was doing. Going into battle.

Anger, confusion and if he was honest, a bit of despair churned beneath his skin as he made his way down the corridors. His path went unimpeded by other Starfleet officers who dove out of the way when they saw him coming. Normally people avoided his gaze due to his rank but this time people looked down right afraid of him. 

Kissed.

They had kissed. Jim had kissed the Ambassador. Spots swam in his vision.

He wasn’t quite sure how he found himself in front of Jim’s door so quickly but he did. Pounding his first officers override code into the touchscreen control panel, he heard the glass of the pad give way, cracking along the edges.

The screen went black.

Out of the corner of his eye he caught a glimpse of Nyota emerging from his quarters. “Spock wait!” She called but it was too late Spock had started to pull the doors open manually using his Vulcan strength. His grip left finger holds indented on the seams of the doors before they finally gave way and swooshed opened crookedly. He had pulled them off their tracks.

He rushed in.

The room was dark, the lights having been turned down but Spock’s eyes quickly adjusted to two figures lying on the bed.

It was the Ambassador and Jim. 

He’s belly turned inward with flame as he felt actual bile rise in his throat. He clenched his teeth together to keep him from being sick and felt his jaw crack as the muscles in his neck tightened.

Taking a deep breath, his top lip curled back over his teeth he opened his mouth to say something. 

His older counterpart gracefully stopped him with the gesture of an upheld hand. 

Sitting propped up leaning against the baseboard he was supporting Jim who was nestled against his chest fast asleep. The old Vulcan raised a finger to his mouth in the universal signal for quiet, his face was serene but amusement danced from his eyes.

That single gesture was like a bucket of cold water on his system. Spock blinked straightening himself automatically as the doors to Jim’s quarters tried to crookedly close behind him; leaving the room in darkness. He forced his face back into one of Indifference and placed his hands behind his back, one hand grasping his wrist, in an attempt to appear calm. Although if one looked closer you would have found that his knuckles had gone white from his grip.

“Ambassador.” He acknowledged very quietly so that only Vulcan hearing could pick it up. “What are you doing in Captain Kirk’s quarters? I was not aware of any such arrangement that would qualify for your presence to be here. Let alone to be lying in his bed.” He said through tight lips, keeping his face into a hard neutral mask.

“I suppose I should explain.”

“That would be wise.” Spock said clipped.

“Let me start at the beginning. Jim reached out to me a few days ago and told me he was suffering from some very particular ailments and asked me to come and help him.”

“I find that hard to believe. We have a perfectly capable physician on staff.”

“As you are well aware, Vulcans do not lie.” He said with extreme politeness. “Are you calling us a liar?”

“We are not the same person,” Spock almost hissed. “ If the Captain was having such troubles why did Jim not seek out the ships Chief medical officer, Dr. McCoy?”

“He wished to remain discreet, uncertain what his condition actually was, he was believing that it was not a real medical problem. He had some questions for me.”

“You are not a doctor, as far as I am aware of. How could you determine such a diagnosis?”

“I knew at once what he was suffering from, for I suffered such a thing in my timeline. Although in his case it seemed more severe than mine ever was.”

“And what is this ailment?”

Spock Prime looked down at Jim and the elders eyes softened. His wrinkled hand reached up and brushed a few strands of hair out of his sleeping face.

It took every ounce of control for Spock not to growl. He desperately, irrationally wanted to run over and tear the two of them apart. He felt his heart pound angrily in his side. They did not need to be touching.

“He is suffering from a neglected bond.” The elder said softly.

All of Spock’s thoughts froze. His gaze went immediately to Jim and stayed there, with unmistakable intensity. 

“A bond?” 

“Ah so you are unaware. I thought as much.”

Spock’s cheeks turned slightly green. “Are you implying that I have a bond with the Captain and I am unaware of its existence?”

“Oh no need to imply. I know it is there.” He said softly.

“You mind melded?” Spock stepped forward aggressively his voice hard and pitched a bit higher than above a whisper.

Jim groaned and both Spock’s froze.

He sniffed a bit, scrunching up his nose before he began nuzzling his face deeper into Spock Prime's robes before becoming completely still once more.

Spock turned his sharp gaze back towards the Elderly Vulcan. “I am waiting for an explanation.”

“Yes. I mind melded with him. It was to check on his mental state. As you can see by the manifested physical evidence, the bond was wreaking havoc on his system and it was on its way to destroying his mind completely. I repaired what I could but it won’t be enough. This type of bond must be handled with care. It seems the one who created the bond will have to be the one to repair it. Although if you can not, you should have a healer down on New Vulcan look at it.”

Spock narrowed his eyes “What type of bond are you referring to?”

“It is one that is held in the highest regard in our culture.”

Spock’s already tight muscles tensed even further. “If you are referring to the t’hy’la bond, that is quite impossible.”

“Ah, good, so you do know of it. But impossible? No. Oh to be so young and ignorant again. Spock this is a t’hy’la bond. I shared one with my Jim and now you share one with yours. You have a responsibility to take care of it. Both of you.”

Spock’s com beeped and his hand flew up to cover the sound. It was probably the away team looking for him. He ignored it. 

“Are you saying that Jim was... suffering because of me?”

“Yes. He loves you quite deeply.”

Spock looked away and only his practiced Vulcan control kept him from wincing. His heart leapt in his side.

“I too share the same affection.”

His com beeped once more and Spock almost crushed it in his hands like he had with the clay pot.

“It seems you are needed elsewhere.”

“My presence is needed here.”

Spock Prime nodded. “Do you remember what I said to you when we first met? You wished to resign from Starfleet to help rebuild our race and I told you, that you could be in two places at once. Well the same still holds true today, just as it had back then.” 

Spock Prime motioned Spock forward towards the bed and took his hand as he approached pulling him down towards sleeping Jim. Then slowly, carefully, peeling Jim off of him he placed Spock underneath Jim’s awaiting arms and switched places. Jim latched on stronger to his waist wrapping his arms around Spock and groaned upset that he had been moved.

Spock was stiff and awkward, unsure what to do. He glanced back at his counterpart who had somehow gotten ahold of his Com during the exchange. 

“Do yourself a favor. Put aside logic. Do what feels right.” He suggested, another echo of what he had said the first time they had met.

Spock still a bit unsure, placed his arms hesitantly around Jim. His hands slid down Jim’s thin waist skimming over his slightly pronounced ribs. His fingers brushed against the exposed skin at his waist from where his uniform shirt had ridden up. The bombardment of emotions almost caused Spock to rip himself from Jim’s grasp. Spock felt as if the wind had been knocked out of him and he silently gasped for air. 

Pain. 

There was so much pain.

Spock felt like his heart was being torn open as the incredible amounts of torment gave way to underlying sadness and heartache. Jim’s emotions flowed through the skin to skin contact and he blinked a few times forcing his gritted teeth to relax. He reinforced his metal shields and calmed his erratic heartbeat. How had he never felt this? He had been in contact with Jim multiple times. Spock looked down to see that he was still wearing his jacket and gloves.

The gloves. The long sleeves. The turtleneck. 

He should have known. Should have figured it out, when Jim had stopped reaching out to touch him. 

Jim had known that if he had touched Spock his true feelings would have been revealed and because of that he had not come to him for help. Instead he had chosen to run into the arms of another seeking comfort. Something dark, akin to possessiveness and jealousy slithered through his veins followed quickly by another equally awful feeling. 

Remorse.

He took a deep breath through his nose and lowered a few of his mental shields but not all of them. He didn’t know how much of Jim’s emotions he could take but he found himself bracing for the emotions he knew would come next. Spock quietly grunted as the emotions assaulted his sensibilities, there was so much pain. His eyes became wet, but he would bear it. All of it. He deserved to share it with Jim. He had done this to his Captain. His closest and dearest friend. 

His t’hy’la. 

He could feel it now, the tug of the bond pulled desperately at his mind. The t’hy’la bond was screaming to be touched, to be caressed, to be completed. It reached out and Spock could feel it hitting the outside of his remaining mental walls.

With growing horror he recognized it as something he had been tuning out for months. He had thought the feeling was those around him, when they had been hurting as he had when they had lost the Captain. Now he could see that it had been the bond banging against his shields begging for entry. 

Spock quickly reached towards Jim’s psi points, but his hand was stopped before he could make contact.

He looked up to see his older self standing over them.

“I would advise you to wait. You do not have his permission as of yet to enter his mind. When you do, take care and be prepared before you meld with him. Make sure your walls are down and your mind is open and ready to receive him. His bond is badly damaged so it will be very painful on your part, but it will bring him relief and peace beyond measure.”

Spock nodded. “What will you do?”

“I will go back and take your place in your assignments Planetside. What was your mission?”

“It was to deliver recovered records and artifacts to the New Vulcan Science Academy. The artifacts were discovered in a cave on one of Lyn’s moons from the Lyre sector. The records contain the ancient knowledge of a common ancestor that Vulcans and Romulans shared. While I was down there they asked me if I could possibly Identify some markings on some pots. I regret to inform you that I broke one when I heard you were here with Jim aboard the Enterprise.”

“I see.” The Elder Vulcan whispered calmly. “I am sure I can figure it out.”

Spock looked down at the man snoring softly in his arms. 

“He will not be happy to find you gone once he wakes.”

“I’m sure he will have more pressing matters to attend to.”

The Ambassador turned to go.

“Wait-“ Spock awkwardly tried to turn around and face Spock prime without dislodging Jim. “I find myself grateful for what you have done.”

The Elder Vulcan nodded.

They stared at one another, each silently marveling at how their worlds had collided to this very instant and no matter what universe they were in, they always knew it would circle around Captain James T. Kirk.

“What the hell happened here?!” Came a voice from the hall.

The broken room door was being forced back as Dr. McCoy’s head popped into view. His face went from angry to shock when he laid eyes on the two Vulcans in the darkness of the room.

Spock Prime swiftly blocked the Doctors view from the two laying on the bed and used his body to backup Dr. McCoy into the hallway. 

The doors crookedly closed behind them once more enveloping the room in darkness. He could hear his elder quietly speaking to Dr. McCoy.

“Greetings Doctor. If you would discreetly escort me to the shuttle bay I will explain everything to you. Firstly how did you find yourself here?”

“ Lieutenant Uhura commed me and told me I was needed in the Captain's quarters. She said there may have been a fight. What’s going on? Where’s Jim? Why are you here?”

Their voices became fainter as the two walked off, leaving only the faintest sound of the Enterprises engines humming and Jim’s soft breaths to fill the room.

He once again found himself grateful for his counterparts help. Now he and his Captain could have some alone time to figure things out. 

He pushed his hands further up his side underneath his Jacket and command golds so that his whole palm was flush against Jims skin rather than just the tips of his fingers.

Spock desperately wanted to meld with him, but his elder had been right to stop him the first time. He would need Jim’s permission. He found that he could still feel Jim’s pain, though it was becoming more tolerable almost transforming into another more complex emotion.

Some part of Jim must’ve known that it was his t’hy’la holding him because he could feel a underlying pulse of deep affection meant for him coursing through Jim’s body. He sent as much affection as he could in return through their contact and Jim absorbed it like a plant greedily soaking up the sun's rays. 

Jim moaned, giving a small smile and tucked his nose deeper into his chest, squirming as close as possible with soft and barely there whimpers. His hands that had fisted themselves into Spock’s shirt suddenly loosened, an slid up to the sides of Spock’s neck; caressing the base of his throat. His fingers reverently began stroking the underside of his jaw.

Confused Spock carefully moved his head so that he could look down and see if Jim had awakened. 

No, his lids were still heavily closed in sleep and Spock could see his eyes darting about under his deep and sunken sockets, his lashes fluttering back and forth with the movement. 

His lips parted silently as a soft sigh escaped him. 

He was dreaming.

Spock watched in awe as Jim moved around in his sleep. His lips moved slightly up and down almost as if he was talking to someone.

His lids briefly cracked open a sliver and his bright eyes hazily focused on him with a heavy mixture of lust and adoration, then just as quickly they closed once more. 

“Spock,” he murmured.

Jim leaned in and puffed a heated breath onto his neck just before the barest bit of teeth gently scraped against his exposed skin.

Spock jumped slightly, but remained still knowing Jim was doing this subconsciously while still asleep. 

He held his breath as Jim slowly and ever so slightly tilted his head up so his lips were pressed directly between the crook of his jaw and underneath his sensitive right ear. He inhaled deeply as he nuzzled Spock’s jugular pressing his nose to the veins that had begun to rush under such administrations. Jim paused for a moment and moaned before exhaling and began dragging his nose and lips down Spock’s jaw. 

For the first time in Spock’s life his brain ceased to function.

Once Jim had reached his chin, He gave the corner of Spock’s mouth a soft lingering kiss, and inhaled deeply again. He brought his hand up to cup Spock’s face, pressing it closer to his. Spock felt his stomach flutter unnaturally as Jim dragged his thumb gently across his cheek in slow circles. 

Spock couldn’t help the shudder that ripped through his body like a wild electrical current.

Jim froze, and for a brief moment Spock thought that he might have woken him up. He swallowed waiting, but after a bit Jim began his languid motions again, slowly pressing a row of drowsy kisses along Spock’s jaw up to his ear again. This time he glided his tongue over the lobe in a sweet nip and suck.

Spock was completely helpless. He felt like his skin was too tight and his bones were made of gelatin. He closed his eyes waiting for more, his body buzzing for from the attention, but it never came. 

Instead Spock heard a catch of breath and then the choke of a sob. 

Spock had to stop himself from jumping back as his eyes flew open in surprise.

Tears were streaking down Jim’s face as he cried out, “Spock please— please I’m sorry... I need you. Don’t go... don’t go.” 

Spock’s is eyes widened in horror at his t’hy’la’s heartbreaking plea. 

“Jim. Jim. Wake up. I am here, I am right beside you.”

But Jim’s head rolled forward. He had fallen into a deeper sleep and was left limp in Spock’s arms.

“I’m here,” Spock said quietly. “I’m here Jim. I’m sorry I neglected you…our bond.” He whispered into his hair. “I did not understand until now. I promise, you will never be alone again.” He tucked Jim underneath his chin and pulled him closer so that his cold body was flush up against his heated one. “We will have much to discuss when you wake.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your wonderful comments on my last chapter I’m so glad it was well received! I was uncertain if I would be able to post this on Sunday, So I decided to post it now.


	9. The feeling is mutual

Jim was wrapped in a cocoon of warmth, simply content to lie there for the rest of his life.

He felt amazing. Better than he had in a long time. He began to replay his dream from the previous night, over and over again in his mind, enjoying the bittersweetness of it. He thought of the impossible fantasy not caring how it hurt his head or his heart because it had felt so good. 

The herbal smell, the feeling of being held in Spock’s arms, and the warm taste of his tight skin under his lips... Jim had craved it for months. His fingers and toes curled as he recalled it. Is subconscious had conjured a number of slow and gentle kisses with the Vulcan who was only too happy to oblige his Captain. The dream had been tender and emotionally satisfying, feeling so real to him that he could have sworn it really happened. The ending had been bitter. Spock suddenly broke from the kiss, absolutely disgusted in Jim, claiming they would never be close enough to share such intimacies. He had cried out that he was sorry, but his dream had drifted off into nothing.

Still, it had been the most rest he had gotten in a long time.

With his eyes still closed, he began to stretch, taking a deep morning breath while arching his back. He tried to roll over but felt something restrict his movements.

Confused and groggy he opened his eyes to find someone was lying in bed with him.

His memories slowly trickled back as he remembered the night before. Spock Prime. But why did he look so young?

He blinked a few times trying to piece together what he was seeing. Spock’s face focused into view before his brain fully registered the implications.

Spock was staring right at him. His Spock. Carefully awaiting his reaction.

Realization slammed into Jim’s mind and he could actually feel his face morph into a mask of horror. He violently shoved himself away from Spock’s chest knocking himself off the side of the bed.

“Spock!? How did- when did you-“ he glanced around quickly in a panic “Where’s- I mean- are you alone?”

He crawled back a few feet before springing to stand up.

“My counterpart is gone.” Spock said carefully sitting up from the bed.

Jim froze as if he had been hit with a particle beam.

They stared at each other for a few seconds.

Jim didn’t know how much Spock knew. Obviously he had found out about his counterpart beingonboard, but he didn’t understand why Spock had been in bed with him. He had dreamt...

Jim felt his limbs grow cold. “Did I...Did I kiss you?” He asked faintly. He felt the blood drain from his face.

Spock got up off the bed and walked towards him. “Indeed.”

Jim’s heart started to pound in panic. He could feel a cold sweat break out over his body. “Oh God! Spock I’m so sorry, I wasn’t myself! I didn’t know what I was doing, I was having this dream and I-“

“The experience was quite pleasurable.” Spock said interrupting him.

Jim stopped breathing, no doubt absorbing the unexpected words.

Spock stepped forward and before Jim knew what he was doing, Spock had grasped his hands. 

The feeling of his palms sliding over his knuckles sent electricity through Jim’s body no doubt restarting his sputtering heart.

He gasped and tried to yank his cold and sweaty hands from Spock’s warm ones. 

“Wait Spock!”

But Spock held on tighter.

Jim looked down and saw that his gloves had been removed and Spock was receiving everything. Every emotion.  
Panic, fear, gut wrenching pain and a crashing wave of overwhelming and undeniable love for the man in front of him. 

He looked up to gauge his reaction, but Spock’s face remained impassive, almost serene.

“I can explain!” He cried, his eyebrows rising in panic.

“You do not need to.”

“No! No I do. You don’t understand.” he bit back a sob, and wiped his eyes with a sleeve. “I’m sorry, Spock, I didn’t mean for you to see me like this. It’s pretty pathetic.”

“Do you not think I am unable to comprehend your emotions? I know how you feel.” He said simply.

Jim looked away. He had finally been caught.

“Ok, um, yes...I'm...I am in love with you.” God he wanted to run from the room. “ But don’t worry! I know you could never love me back romantically and that's fine. I don’t need romantic love from you.” The words slipped out of his mouth making them both feel as if they had been punched in the gut. 

“Jim-“

“I know you must be disgusted but I can do it you know. If you can bare to work with me knowing I love you. I can contain my feelings. You will never have to reciprocate them.” His cheek twitched and he swallowed hard. “Just...just don’t leave me, we are a great team together and I’m not...I’m not strong enough-“ he faltered, tears beginning to drip painfully from his red rimmed eyes. “I’m not strong enough to live without-“

Air whooshed from his lungs as he was crushed to Spock’s Chest.

“No.” Spock gripped Jim’s shoulders in a painfully tight grip, digging his fingers into his shirt. He buried his nose against the crook of his neck. “No. I will not leave you ever. You are my t’hy’la. My other half. My katra is yours if you wish it.”

Jim hugged him back desperately, pressing himself as close as humanly possible, craving Spock’s embrace. He couldn’t believe it! Spock wasn’t repulsed by him, nor did he seem bothered about Jim’s confessions and feelings.  
“Thank you. Thank you Spock. I will never forget this. And if you choose to marry Nyota, I only hope you’ll keep me in your life.”

Spock froze, his eyes narrowed as he peeled himself at arms length from Jim. 

“Jim, my relationship with Nyota ended five months ago. Forgive me for not telling you, but I did not think my personal life was something you wished to speak about. I tried for months to gather the courage to tell you, but I found my own growing feelings towards you get in the way.” He brought his hand up to cup the side of Jim’s tear stained face. “Jim if I was not clear, I am determined to spend the rest of my days with you, hopefully as your bondmate If that is acceptable?”

Jim felt faint, “Five months ago,” he echoed quietly “but that was when...”

Spock nodded. “I realized my attraction towards you was something beyond what one should feel for his Captain. I believe it was a hospital visit in particular that confirmed my theory. “

“What?” Jim’s stood stock still his mouth hanging slightly open. “The fruit... was it when you bit into my fruit?” 

“Indeed.” Spock nodded carefully, tilting his head. “How did you know this?”

A sudden laugh burst from Jim’s chest, “Because that’s when I fell for you too!”

Spock’s eyes grew soft. “Jim,” He lowered his tone to one almost seductive in nature and allowed only the barest corners of his mouth to turn up into a smile. He looked into Jim’s crystalline eyes that remained him so much of a the fresh springs that had once been found within the folds of the never ending sand dunes of old Vulcan.

And like a desert animal he was drawn to the oasis.

“Under the circumstances of us sharing our regard for one another. May I kiss you?” Spock asked hesitantly.

Jim’s mouth ran dry. He had wanted this for so long, and now that it was happening he didn’t know how to respond. 

Not finding the proper words, he nodded.

Spock carefully leaned in and placed his lips on Jim’s.

They were both hesitant at first, uncertain in how the other would react. Spock pressed his firm lips respectfully to Jim’s, and held them into place for several seconds before pulling away.

The kiss was modest. It was proper. It was Spock.

Nothing remarkable in the slightest but to Jim it was everything. He hummed his approval, leaning his forehead against Spock’s.

“Can I kiss you?” He asked quietly, still not quite believing this to all be real. He wanted more.

“I encourage it.” Spock said in a huff between them.

Jim moved his lips back to Spock’s taking his lower lip between his own. He closed his eyes and sighed into the kiss. Spock’s mouth felt beyond heavenly. He began to gently nip and nuzzle, with a sweetened friction that leapt from the overly sensitive nerve endings in his mouth down to his tightening groin, Spock reciprocated almost as enthusiastically. The iron bands of his arms enveloped him in warmth and he smelled wonderful just like the pages of his book. Jim’s lips slanted across his. Achingly slow and sweet, the kiss flowed through him in ways that were indescribable. The sensation was one of drifting through the stars, as Spock pulled him closer. The Vulcan tilted his head and ran his tongue along the seam of his mouth. Surprised at his bold move, Jim sucked in a sharp breath as Spock slipped inside, probing his velvety depths with deep languid strokes. His stomach tightened further a bittersweet ache bloomed inside of him wanting to be filled.

Jim arched his back, pressing closer trying to fill the void. He moaned deep in his throat and Spock responded with a animal like purr coming directly from his chest. Jim’s legs trembled, growing weak. He would have slid to the floor were it not for Spock’s support. He found himself smiling like a fool as he ended the kiss with a few more nips and sucks. Even though the kiss had been slow, they were both panting.

He opened his eyes to see Spock’s face a little flushed, his eyes slightly glazed. They stood still, breathing together, experiencing the moment.

“I found that to be…” he coughed when his voice came out sounding gravelly. “That was...”

“Hmmm.” Jim agreed.

Before either of them could ask for more, Jim’s room door beeped scraping open and Bones strode in.

“Hey I just wanted to check on Jim’s progress and—“ he froze as his eyes adjusting to the low lighting. 

“Oh what fresh hell did I walk into?”

Spock and Jim glanced at each other. 

“Computer lights at 100 percent.” Jim said surprised. 

His brows lowered and he frowned.

So, who had tattled on him to Bones? He bit his lips wanting to hide behind Spock but the trader  
respectfully stepped away from Jim so that they were no longer touching. 

The Doctor stepped forward his face falling as his eyes raked over Jim’s thin form.

“Oh Jim, the old man wasn’t jokin’ you look God awful. I’m taking you off duty until further notice.” He snapped. 

He raised his scanner and ran the little device over his body. He was quiet as he read the results on his tricorder. 

No one breathed waiting for his prognosis.

“Kid,” he breathed out, his voice cracking “How could you do this to yer self?” The Doctors face was a mix of emotions that changed from second to second, one minute looking like he was going to explode from anger and then the next, like he was going to break down and cry. His skin became a mottled red and purple and the rims of his eyes became wet.

“I’m sorry Bones.” Jim said remorsefully “I’ve got issues.”

He frowned, emotion flashed in his eyes. “Issues? You’re gonna have more issues in a second. I want your ass down in medical bay so I can do some full scale scans.”

He turned towards Spock who was standing stalk still watching Dr. McCoys every move. “Yer wanted on the bridge, it’s a damn circus up there since both of you went MIA yesterday.”

“You are correct, I must attend to the crew.” But he made no move to leave. Spock’s eyes darted back and forth between the two and he debated whether or not if he could afford a reprimand on his record for not returning for duty. 

Leaving Jim so soon was not something he wished to do. Jim exuded weakness and vulnerability, qualities that seemed to have awakened certain dormant urges to protect a mate. Inexplicably, against all logic, he wanted to stay by Jim’s side and care for him, protect him, and have his body once again flushed against his in the dark. He did not want to leave. More importantly he did not want to leave Jim with Dr. McCoy. He felt... possessive. 

This particular behavior was almost alarming to him. He had never behaved this way when he had been dating Nyota.

“It’s okay Spock,” Jim said recapturing his attention. “Go take care of the ship, Bones will fix me up, won’t ya Bones?”

Of course he was being illogical. Jim need to see the Doctor and the bridge crew obviously needed him. He nodded to them both and then he left through the crooked door, which wined mechanically trying to shut behind him.

Jim frowned. “What the hell happened to my door?”


	10. A Bone to Pick pt1

Jim laid flat on the bio bed watching Bones shuffle around him in complete silence. Reading the scans above his head, and silently jotting down notes, he avoided making eye contact with him altogether.

He was really upset.

Jim had never seen him this upset. Over the many years that they had known each other, Bones had always had something snarky or irritable to say, but now, he wasn’t saying anything. Not even a grumble.

An unpleasant task laid ahead of him, one he had avoiding for long enough. Jim had not seen Bones in weeks, no, scratch that, a few months, and the neglect had put a strain on his friendship. He had been inconsiderate and selfish. By not telling Bones about his problems he had inadvertently hurt them both. Now he was gonna reap what he had sewed. 

“Bones, I’m sorry.” He said sitting up   
so that his legs were hanging over the tables edge.

Bones looked up from reading a scan on his PADD and stared at him blankly. Jim wanted to squirm under his scrutiny but he held his ground.

They stared at one another for a few moments before he put the PADD down into a desk next to him and crossed his arms.

“Look Kid,” he paused, gathering his thoughts. “I have tried my hardest to have a relationship with my daughter, and since she grew up without me, being so far from home, I guess, in a way, my parenting skills had been directed at you over the past few years. I don’t really consider you my son or anything, but I do consider you family.”

Jim held his gaze. He knew Bones had been devastated when he had died. His eyes still filled with tears whenever the subject was brought up. Jim was lucky to have a friend who cared about him so deeply and had worked miracles to bring him back from the other side. 

He took a deep breath. “I know Bones. I consider you family too.”

“Then why Jim?” He stepped closer, his familiar scowl coming over his face. “Why didn’t you tell me? You could have come to me anytime, yet you choose self destructive behavior and some Vulcan Ambassador, who might I add, isn’t even from our own universe.”

Jim opened his mouth to say something but was immediately cut off by Bones who had started to gain momentum in his argument. His voice beginning to rise with each new sentence.

“Did the damn Ambassador ever sit with you and study till the crack of dawn, for a class he didn’t even take? Did he ever karaoke Billy Joel with you, in some swedish bar after getting dumped? Did he ever drag your passed out ass home from an ally and pump your stomach on the anniversary of your father‘s death?!”

“Bones I-“

“No! That was me!” He cried thumping his own chest with his fist. “I have always been there for you! Always!”

His face was turning red, making his frown lines more pronounced. 

“Do you know what I went through seeing you dead? I thought...I thought...” Bones stopped, choking up. “Why did you hide from me Jim? All of those videos? Your “check ups” I knew they were fake but I assumed it was because the Brass had been putting to much pressure on you and you didn’t have time to talk. Now you’re sitting on my exam table malnourished and skeletal. You look sick Jim...you look so sick.” He leaned against the wall and looked down at the floor, suddenly deflating. “You did this to yourself. How could you? I could have helped you...I could have found a way to make things alright.” His shoulders sagged. “I didn’t know you didn’t consider me a good enough friend to come to in your time of need.”

“Bones!” Jim snapped. Now he was getting angry. “You know that’s not the reason!”

“Do I know that?” He said quietly still looking at his shoes.

“Look, I didn’t know what was happening to me, okay?! I thought that maybe I was just to stupid in love and... I thought that...I don’t know what I thought and it doesn’t even matter. I wanted to know if I could somehow get Spock to falling in love with me, and If anyone knew how to do it, it would’ve been his former self, but Ambassador Spock wouldn’t discuss anything private over transmission so I smuggled him on board. He...he showed me things.” He said tapping the side of his skull. “He told me that I wasn’t just in love, but that me and Spock were connected and that we needed each other.”

“Oh yes, he tried to explain it to me when I escorted him to his shuttle. He might as well have been talking to me in Vulcan, for all I could understand. I just don’t get it, it seems fishy, this thing-a-ma-bob Bond.”

“A t’hy’la bond.”

“Whatever. I tried looking it up in the system and I couldn’t find any information about it. Are you sure it’s a real thing? How do we know it’s not a Vulcan metaphor or something?”

“The Ambassador told me that it’s supposed to be super rare among Vulcans. And it’s very real, I saw it myself when he shared a mind meld with me.” 

Bones raised a brow. “So what’s that mean for you and Spock?”

Jim looked away, pink beginning to tinge his cheeks. “Look...It may sound sappy as hell, but I'm not gonna lie- I can't imagine my life without him, and …” he trailed off. What more could he say? How could he said it? “I want him Bones. I’m in love him.”

Bones absorbed his words, studying his face. “Its really true then. You really have taken a fancy to the hobgoblin.”

A” fancy? What am I a southern belle? Don’t be ridiculous.”

They stared at one another.

“Love huh?” he looked skeptical.

“Yes.”

He grunted unconvinced. “Jim this isn’t a fairytale. I have seen you in “Love” before. How do you know this isn’t just some passing fantasy of yours?”

Jim snorted and Bones gave him a dubious look.

“I’m serious Jim.”

“So am I! Bones, what are you trying to protect me from? This is Spock we’re talking about. He would never intentionally hurt me. I think we’d be good together.”

“I’m trying to protect the both of you. Vulcans mate for life Jim.”

Jim licked his lips remembering the kiss from earlier. “God I hope so.”

“You’re incorrigible.” He said shaking his head. 

“I just want to be with him.” Jim said earnestly, suddenly feeling another headache arise in his skull. He rested his elbows on his knees,  
and began massaging his temples with his fingertips.

He didn’t want to argue with Bones, even if he did have the best intentions at heart. Jim knew that Spock was all he was ever going to need from life. As long as he had Spock by his side he would survive.

He wanted to be with him now.

He heard Bones take out his medical scanner and run the little beeping machine around his head. The beeping got louder the closer it got to his face but he didn’t look up.

Bones made no comment and closed his scanner.

The tension in the room was thick.

After several moments of silence, he groaned. “Fine Jim you’ve worn me down, if you say the man's your love, then he’s your love.” He said softly placing a hand on his back. He blew out a breath. “I give in. You’re nearly 30 and you don’t need someone like me looking over your shoulder, judging ya on all your life decisions.”

Although his words were perfectly polite, and said with sincerity his smile did not reach his eyes. He may have given his blessing but he had yet to reconcile himself to the idea of letting Jim make his own choices. He probably never would. In any case, it was a win. Jim gave him a small smile “I will always need someone like you looking over my shoulder.” 

Bones sighed tiredly, but smiled back, the remaining tension between them dissipating.   
“Yeah you’re probably right.” He said giving him a conspiratorial wink. 

“I am sorry bones.” he said again with a wry smile. “Truly.”

Rubbing his forehead, Bones just grunted. "I guess I have no choice but to accept your apology, but I'm still pissed at you. You were a fool Jim, for hell's sake."

“I know, and from now on I will tell you everything, Every sneeze, to every pulled muscle, I promise.”

“Really?” He said skeptically raising his eyebrows, “Every pulled muscle you say?”

“Yeah I’m gonna have a lot of them over the next few weeks. Making love with a Vulcan must be-“

“God Jim! No! I didn’t want to hear that!” He scrunched his nose in disgust. “Too soon!”

“But you’re my doctor.” He teased.

“God, I don’t even want to picture it!”

“I wonder if he’s a screamer.”

Jim chuckled and Bones turned away from him with a look of hatred. He walked over to his work station and began to type something on his desktop computer. He paused to look back at Jim, thinking something over, then continued typing.

Jim was curious about what he was doing but couldn’t make out the words on the screen. His vision was starting to swim again and he was beginning to feel light headed.

Bones reread whatever he had typed and then hit the send button with uncalled for force.

“Jim,” he said turning back around. “I’m glad you finally found the right robot to make you happy but you’re not having sex until you’re better. I just sent a message to Spock, telling him the same thing.”

Jim frowned, ignoring the flames that were now shooting down his neck. “You can’t be serious Bones.”

“It’s for your own good. Now look over my shoulder.” He said flashing a scanner light in his eye.

Jim hissed with a sharp intake of breath and shoved the light way. “Stop. I’m gonna vomit.” He closed his eyes and moved away. “It’s the Bond Bones. I need to solidify my bond with Spock, only then will my headaches go away.”

Bones frowned as he studied Jim’s response. “ I don’t know enough of the Vulcan mind voodoo to help you… maybe if I-“

“No, Bones. Nothing helps… I just need to lie down…” he began to lie back on the bio bed.

“I will page Spock, if all he needs to do is-“

“No.”

“Jim-“

“No. That’s a order. He needs to finish his Captains shift. I’m sure I’ve made a mess of things and the crew needs to be taken care of. I am not that urgent. My headache is already going down.”

This wasn’t really true but he could see that Bones was having an internal argument with himself trying to decide whether or not he should assert himself over the situation and demanded Spock come to med bay and bond with him immediately.

“Do you have anything that could knock me out while I wait?”

“I got some stuff that could knock out an entire Xanoth army.”

“Good cuz I need it.”

Bones turned down the lights at Jim’s request and pushed his bed to the far corner, as far away from the busy work of nurses and other patients as possible. Making sure Jim was comfortable he pressed the pain medication into his arm.

“This should fully kick in, in a few minutes.” He said quietly. I gave you a very small dose, however you’ll be knocked out for the next few hours.

“Hmmm. That’s good stuff, I can start to feel it working already.”

Bones attached small suckers to Jim’s forehead so that he could record and monitor his progress. He ran a separate tricorder over Jim once more. “Your vitals are crazy.” He squeezed his shoulder in an act of comfort. “No pain elsewhere?”

“No. Just...just feel weak.” He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms.

“I love him so much Bones…” Jim slurred a bit. “An’ I think he loves me tooooo. He said he wants to be my bondmate, that’s basically marriage right?” He chuckled to himself, the medication was beginning to sink into his limbs. “You know what’s crazy? Spock and Kirk from the other universe They were like…an item.”

Bones frowned. “Together?”

“Uh-huh. Like the beast with with two backs.”

“Alright that’s enough.”

“And we, me and my Spock want each other too, can you believe it?”

Bones looked like he'd swallowed something bitter. "This is far from being my favorite topic of conversation, but yes, actually I can.” Bones grumbled. “You know once you guys bond or whatever, he’s the one who’s gonna have to deal with yer dirty laundry everywhere. Good luck to the poor sap.”

“Shut up I’m not that bad. I’m not a complete slob. Besides how would you know? We haven’t shared a room since back at the Academy.”

“Not that bad? Kid you’re lucky we didn’t have Starfleet looking for new life in that underwear pile of yours. To this day, I swear it cultivated life. God, it drove me insane.”

He gave Bones a warm smile. “Spock won’t mind. If my dirty clothes cultivate new life, he can study it.”

Bones rolled his eyes. “Oh yeah, Jim I’m sure he‘d be thrilled. Make sure you mention that in your wedding vows.”

Jim covered his face with his hands. His mind was beginning to feel like cotton. He heard Bones starting to walk around to various drawers, pulling out different utensils and types of hypos. The metal of the cylinders clinked together as gathered them in his hands.

“Just, please. Be careful. If this is just Infatuation and lust, I would hate for either of you to get hurt. I care too much for you and that damn Vulcan. God only knows why. I’ll never understand what you find so appealing about him..”

He looked at Bones through his fingers as he cradled his face. “ I… I crave him Bones. Him. His soul. I need him. I need his wit, his wisdom… his body. I crave it with every atom of my being.” He felt a sharp pain behind his eyes and he hissed, but then it faded away just as quickly. That medication really was good.

Bones glanced at him, his gaze sharp. “You sound insane, and honestly, obsessed. I would have you committed if your said obsession wasn't for a Vulcan. I have heard it’s normal for behavior for mated Vulcans though. They become possessive and just as obsessed with their partner, so maybe it’s just more of that mind voodoo working on your human body.”

Jim pouted playfully, blinking his eyes slowly one at a time. “ Aw, You jealousssss?” He asked his doped up grin slanting to the side.

“I am fortunate to be immune from that poisonous emotion. It tends to make otherwise logical beings behave like fools. He walked over to Jim with a arm full of different hyposprays. He placed them on the small table next to Jim’s bed. Bones double checked the labels before turning around and withdrawing a long blue hypo from the drawer next to him. 

“Wa’s that?” Jim mumbled barely clinging to consciousness.

“These should help your body on its way to recovery. I might as well stick ya while you’re under.”

“Yer so good to me Bonesy, I love you man.” He said just as his head lolled into unconsciousness.

“Yeah ok, I love you too buddy.” He said pressing the first of many hyposprays into his neck.

“Now let’s get some electrolytes in you.”


	11. A Bone to pick pt2

Spock walked onto the med bay rigid as taunt harp strings. His day had been long and arduous dealing with the ensuing calamity that he and Jim had left in their wake over the past 24 hours.

The away team had beamed back aboard hours ago and he had a long and arduous conference with the committee members from the New Vulcan Science Academy. He had after all broken a valuable piece of history. It was undecided if he would ever be welcome back.

While the scientists regarded him in disdain for what he had done, they were slightly appeased that the Ambassador had taken his place. He had proven true in his word that he would be able to ‘figure things out’ as he so eloquently put it, and something told Spock that his counterpart had possibly mentioned that his behavior was a matter of a t’hy’la bond. Surly any vulcan would have to see reason in why he behaved that way, even if he had destroyed a priceless pot. Bonds were sacred to the vulcan people. 

Dr. McCoy had looked up as the swish of the door announced Spock’s entrance. He placed a cup of coffee that he had just taken a drink from down, and got up to great the tense looking vulcan. “Well, Spock,” he said slowly, “I would have thought you would have been by earlier. Jim’s asleep. I gave his some very powerful meds.”

“Where is he?” Spock asked stepping forward.

“He is in that bed over there.” He said jerking a thumb behind him. “He needs a lot of rest.”

Spock turned his gaze from the doctor to Jim, lying so pale and weak. He wished nothing more than to climb on the bio bed beside him and hold his waning frame. Spock swallowed, trying to ignore the ache that seemed to start in his heart and spread throughout his torso.

He could feel Dr. McCoys eyes studying him.

“He’ll be coming out of it soon, don’t worry. But for now I’d like to talk to you.”

Spock forced himself to turn way from Jim’s sleeping form and look back at McCoy. “What are his ailments?” he asked.

McCoy blinked at Spock’s sudden question. He blew out a breath and then folded his arms.

“Well the biggest thing affecting him right now is malnutrition. He’s atrophied quite a bit as you can see, but thank God we caught him before he started to do real damage his heart. He’s had problems with starvation in the past and with his recent death and resurrection I’m unsure how his body could handle the strain.”

Spock’s eyebrow rose. “ Problems with starvation? I was unaware of such things. When has he-“

McCoy held up his hand. “Yer gonna have to ask him about that yourself, he doesn’t like talk about it, even with me.”

Spock started forward, but McCoy stepped in his path. He barely managed to hold back a growl low in his throat.

“Hold on Spock, he said frowning. We need to discuss some things.”

“Doctor I will ask you to remove yourself from my path so that I may be with my mate.”

“That’s the thing that I want talk to you about.”

Spock held his gaze and said nothing.

“Well?” McCoy asked his frown becoming deeper. “I’m waiting for an explanation.”

“There’s nothing to discuss. Jim is my mate and I don’t see how his internal affairs affects you.”

“Damn it Spock! He's my best friend. All of his well-being is my concern! Including his so called ‘mate’. I’m mean what the hell! Just because you think you’ve got some special bond, you think you can just waltz on in here and-“

“I didn’t see your so-called concern when he was starving himself.” Spock said coldly bringing McCoys rant to a halt.

McCoys lips thinned and his face flushed red. “All right now you listen here, you, you, green-blooded hobgoblin,” he hissed, jabbing a finger in Spock’s face. “I never saw Jim because I was to damn busy doing my job as head Chief medical officer, taking care of, on average of almost a hundred patients a day. You on the other hand are his second in command. You did see him everyday, and as far as I’m concerned you allowed this to happen.”

Spock’s hardened face cracked as he pulled his lips back in a silent snarl. Then just as quickly the expression fell away, his face settling back to an emotionless mask.

“You are correct. I am at fault. It is my duty to protect the Captain and I did witness the deterioration of his health, but did nothing to correct the problem.” His voice was calm but his eyes were pitch black. “ I will have to live with my actions for the rest of my life. But I assure you it is my intention to care for him for years to come. He is my mate. My t’hy’la.”

McCoy snorted. “T’hy’la. It sounds fake. He’s suffering real medical problems. Massive migraines that are rendering him helpless, and I don’t think you and your vulcan voodoo is gonna solve the problem.”

“I assure you the Bond is real and it is effecting him. I must bond with him for any improvements.”

“I don’t approve of this ‘mystical’ bond.”

“Your approval Dr. McCoy is irrelevant, Jim and I will bond.”

“I don’t like it! Jim’s over the moon for you and you talk about mating and bonding like your talking about filing paperwork! Do you even love him, or is this just some job formality to you.”

Spock’s throat tightened and his blood ran hot. Silence fell around them and all that could be heard was the soft beeping of the bio scanners in the room.

“My regard for Jim is greater than you could possibly know.”

Dr. McCoy stepped back slowly and after a minute or two he spoke again quietly. “I don’t know what to believe.” He began to rub his eyes and Spock noticed the shimmer of tears fill his eyes. “ I just want… I want him better.”

Spock nodded. “This is what I want as well.”

McCoy looked away and scrubbed his hand back into his hair. His and continued down to his neck where he rubbed it. “Right, you have to bond with him or whatever.” He looked back to Spock. “Go ahead and bond with him, he said as he stepped aside.”

“This is a private matter, that should be handled by just the two of us.”

“I’m not leaving the room.”

“On the contrary, I would like to take Jim back to my quarters.”

“I’m afraid I’m not releasing him into your custody. I want him here.”

Spock merely arched his brow. “Jim’s health and wellness is my only priority. There is no reason to fear for his safety.”

“He still needs a lot of treatment. I want him to stay in med bay.” McCoy said firmly.

“What type of treatment.”

McCoy blew out a breath. “He’s going to need a lot of rest and warmth continually maintained. His diet right now should consist of small continual sips of water mixed with glucose. That should be given in to him at regular intervals. If he won’t do that I have some hyposprays that will do the trick. He will need to eat food given to him gradually and in small quantities until his body is ready to take on increased amounts of nutrients. I also have some hyposprays for the proper amount of measured proteins and vitamins his body will need for his recovery.”

“Give them to me, and I shall see that Jim gets them.”

“No. I’m not letting him out of my sight.”

Spock paused for a beat before continuing.

“Dr. McCoy I propose a compromise. I will take Jim to our- … My quarters and bond with him in private, but I promise you I will have him back here for a check up tomorrow.”

McCoy narrowed his gaze. “You were going to say our quarters, weren’t you.”

Spock looked away from the doctors scrutiny. “I do not deny that possibility.”

McCoy dragged in a deep breath and then exhaled in a large sigh, acting as if he decided on something he didn’t like.

“I will allow him to leave, if he wants, on two conditions. One, if I do allow him to leave with you, which I’m still not really convinced I should, I want to see him back here twice tomorrow, and every day for the foreseeable future. Second answer this question for me will you, I can see now that maybe you do like the Captain, longer than what you’re leading on. Tell me, why did you not make your move, he’s been single a long time, why not trying to confess your interest?”

Spock looked down at his shoes, keeping a tight clamp on his blood vessels so as not to show his blush that was attempting to rise to the surface of his skin.

“I did not think he would ever return my affections in that manner. It was an error on my part.”

“I did,” Jim said softly rolling over on the bio bed. “I do.”

McCoy turned around and Spock’s gaze rose.

Jim’s smile was soft, sweet, as it often was when he addressed Spock, but this time however, his regard was akin to how one might look upon their own salvation.

“Hey kiddo, we didn’t wake you did we?”

“No...maybe...I felt Spock enter the room, but I swear I had to fight off the meds just to wake up.”

He tried to rise but he seemed to struggle with the notion. McCoy was next to him in a heartbeat and carefully lifted Jim into a seated position.

Spock walked closer as well and stood to the side, observing the doctor’s examination of his mate as he grabbed a tricorder from the nearest table.

He fought an illogical urge to push the doctor away so that he could take his place.

McCoy was very close to Jim and Spock was trying not to care. Logically he knew he posed no real threat, but the vulcan could help the possessive feeling that rose in his chest.

He tampered it down.

“I think it is best that you get some rest, Jim,” McCoy said. Maybe you should go back to sleep.”

“Bones I’ve been asleep all day.”

“And just think. You could do it all night! Why don’t we give it a shot huh? I have some nice sleeping aids that have your name on them.”

“I want to go with Spock. Wasn’t he just arguing for that? Come on Spock, tell Bones to let me go.”

“ I do not blame Dr. McCoy for being cautious, Jim,” Spock said quietly. “He only has your welfare in mind for which I am grateful.”

McCoy turned to look at him, sending him a grateful look. Spock nodded slightly, in camaraderie. For now, petty complaints aside, they only wished to take care of their Captain, Jim.

“See, even Spock thinks you could use more rest.”

“Nah, I’m good, actually I’m a bit hungry.” He said as if the information surprised himself.

“Well you can have a small meal, but I have some hyposprays that should give you some more protein.” He stepped away and moved to a cabinet.

As soon as McCoy moved Spock was immediately beside his bed. “Let me care for you ashayam.” He whispered for only Jim to hear. “We can eat dinner in my quarters.” Spock spoke almost reverently. He brushed Jim’s hair off his forehead in an unguarded moment forgetting it was not just Jim and himself in med bay. 

McCoy cleared his throat getting Spock’s attention.

“ Dr. McCoy should join us if he wants.” He added as an afterthought as he pulled his hand away. “However our bonding must be private.”

Spock and Jim looked at McCoy expectantly, waiting for his answer.

He studied the pair of them. “No, you to go ahead, I’ve got some test to run here. But listen if he needs anything, you comm me and I’ll be there as fast as I can.”

He gave Spock the hyposprays.

“Understood.” Spock said nodding.

Jim hopped of the bio bed and almost fell, if it hadn’t been for Spock’s quick movements.

“Whoa, looks like that medicine is still wearing off.” He said trying to stand straight.

He teetered to one side.

Both McCoy and Spock reached for him but he eluded their touch, and himself straightened him out. “I can walk without assistance, you guys really don’t have to make such a fuss,” Jim told them. “It’s just the medication, I’m not made of glass.”

“Shut the hell up, you can barely stand up straight.”  
“I only wish to help, if you require further assistance.” Spock and Bones replied at the same time.

Jim smiled at them. “I’m okay, now Spock let’s get out of here before Bones changes his mind.”

“I quite agree.”

Jim hugged Bones. “You’re the best, you know that?”

“Yeah, yeah, go on and get out of here.” He smiled looked back at Spock, “Remember no sex.” He said sternly. 

“I will do nothing that will harm him, I assure you.” He said a Jim joined his side to leave, but they didn’t touch.

“Good. I will send you a care file to read over.”

“Night Bones,” Jim said not really looking at him. His eyes were arrested on Spock.

“Night Jim.” He said nodding.

“Night Spock.”

“Good night, Leonard.”


	12. A Bond Forged

Spock sat Jim down at his little table in the corner of his room. It wasn’t a dining table in anyway, but it was big enough to comfortably seat two.

“How are you faring?”

“How do I feel? Hmm,” He drummed his fingers on the table and considered the question. “I don’t know... better I suppose. Much better. That stuff Bones gave me was great.”

“I am pleased to hear it.”

Jim looked up at Spock from under his eyelashes. “The bond…how are we... how do we… complete it.”

Spock stationed himself sitting directly across from Jim.

“I would have to lower my mental shields, and let you in. Normally a bond can be forged by a simple touch but since our bond is broken, we will need other more stronger methods to help us reintegrate it.

“Stronger methods? Like a mind meld? … I don’t mind those.”

Spock ignored the fact that his counterpart had melded with Jim while he had not. It made uglier feelings arise in his chest.

“A mind meld may not be enough. I believe the strongest method for us would be to have coitus. Only a complete physical joining would solidify the bond back into place. Furthermore, if we are to be bondmates, our bond will be even stronger if we completed it while joined.” 

“Through sex?” Jim flashed a smile, hope gleaming in his eyes. 

“Yes.”

“What are we waiting for?!”

Spock’s lips quirked up a fraction.

“Your enthusiasm is appreciated, and I will admit I wish to complete our Bond tonight as well, but Dr. McCoys concerns are valid. You need rest. You need to eat.”

“But I thought the bond was making me sick, wouldn’t I have to have sex to get better?”

“To complete the bond, yes.”

“And you think we should wait.”

Spock paused.

Spock opened his mouth to answer, but couldn’t find the words. He desperately wanted to join with Jim, but would it be more advantageous on his body to wait? But if they waited it could damage him and the bond further.

“I see…” Jim answered for him. He looked down at the table. Spock could almost see his liveliness drain from his body.

They sat there in silence, both lost in their own thoughts. 

“Perhaps we should give you those shots and get you some substance.” Spock suggested.

Jim allowed Spock to give him the hyposprays and then checked his PADD for Dr. McCoys list of care. He had indeed sent Spock a message on appropriate food choices to give to Jim. Follow the requirements he replicated 2 hot meals with 1/3 protein 1/3 carbohydrates and 1/3 vegetables. What Jim would eat, he would eat. 

He also replicated a vulcan tea that many drank to regain their strength after completing the Kahs-wan. Many would be extremely dehydrated and lacking in proper nutrients having survived the extreme desert conditions and the tea was made for recovery.

He sat the plates and drinks down on the table.

“Spock, can I ask you a question?”

“Of course.”

“How did you end up in my room? Where did your counterpart go? What happened to my door? Did the away team make it back safe? What happened on the mission?”

“That is more than a single question.”

Jim looked at him anxiously.

Spock nodded towards his food. “Eat and I will explain.”

Jim examined the plate before him almost confused at what he was looking at. “Eat?” He asked hesitantly.

“You said you were hungry.”

“Hmmm.” He pick up the tea and began to take careful sips.

Spock nodded satisfied. It was a start.

“I was down on New vulcan when I heard you kissed the Ambassador.” He began.

Jim choked on his tea. “How did you hear that?!” He said as he coughed.

Spock looked away. “Nyota saw you. She had gone in search of a book that I knew resided in your room. It held pertinent information that I could have used for the mission and I had tried getting ahold of you. When no one was able to reach you, Nyota took it upon herself to gain access to your room through mine. She was in the bathroom when she saw the incident.”

Jim whistled low. “Uhura knows? Oh God.” He scratched his cheek nervously, it was lightly dusted in a little more than five o’clock shadow. “And a simple kiss, made you abandon your mission and brought you back to the Enterprise?”

Spock’s brows lowered casting shadows over his eyes. “I can not explain my behavior, however I do not condone your ‘simple kiss’ as you put it. Rather it was whom you were kissing that disturbed me.”

“It was just a peck on his temple, what’s the big deal? Unless… you were jealous.” 

Spock did not comment.

Jim’s jaw dropped open. “ You were jealous!”

Spock picked up his own tea and took a drink looking away. He found himself immensely relieved that it the kiss had not as intimate as he had believed. But he still felt his mood darken at the notion.

Jim leaned back in his seat and flashed him an unguarded smile. “I can’t believe that’s all it took to get you to notice me. Never in my wildest dreams did I think… and I thought you were still with Nyota… and now I come to find out you’ve liked me all along.”

“Let us discuss other things. Spock said. You asked about the mission.”

“No wait, where’s your counterpart? I think Bones said he left right?”

“Yes.”

Jim looked at him expectantly.

“He is back down on New Vulcan, specifically at the New Vulcan Science Academy. After I heard about your kiss I damaged your door to get to you and the Ambassador. Forgive me for the door, I was not in a right state of mind.” He admitted rigidly. “ The Ambassador gave me charge over you and took my place to finish out our mission down on the planet.”

Spock had received a short transmission from his counterpart inquiring on Jim’s well being, but Spock could only report back that he was currently being treated by Dr. McCoy. He did not wish to discuss personal matters with him. It was his Jim, and no matter how much the Ambassador had done for him, he did not like discussing is future bondmates issues with anyone.

“I told the Ambassador that you would contact him when you were feeling better.”

Jim nodded. “And the mission? How did that go?”

“You will have a full report to read when it’s ready.”

“So it went well? That’s good.”

Spock happened to omit that he was in deep trouble for abandoning his post and crushing a priceless artifact. But they would discuss that at a later date. He did not wish to stress his mate futher while he was on medical rest.

“As well as any mission could go.” He commented dryly. “Now please Jim, eat your food.”

Jim nodded and picked up his fork. Spock did likewise.

They made small talk as they ate, but Jim didn’t seem to be hungry anymore. He pushed his food around on his plate and tried not to seem nervous.

This concerned Spock. He had said he was hungry down in med bay, so why did he now pick at his food? Something was bothering him.

“Jim are you well? Should I get Dr. McCoy?”

Jim swallowed and looked away, toying with the napkin in his hand. Folding and unfolding it with shaky fingers. Tension spiraled through his body and he jumped in his seat when Spock's deep voice breached the silence.

“You have hardly touched your food.”

“I have little appetite.” His gaze rose at last and gave Spock small smile. “I think I’m still a little out of it, the medication and all.”

Spock searched his face, his gaze drawn to Jim’s soulful eyes that seemed to be carrying hurt. He was lying. Something was wrong.

“Jim.”

For a moment his lashes lowered, hiding the electric blue of his eyes, and for that Spock was grateful. It allowed him the chance to breathe. Something hung in the air between them and it was affecting him in a manner that he was finding difficult to combat.

“I want you Spock, so bad.” Jim said quietly. 

Those words put an ache in his side where his heart resided. His sharp eyes caught the prick of unwanted tears within Jim’s red rims.

So they were back to this subject.

“Dr. McCoy had expressed his concerns on the matter. We have plenty of time for that later, I assure you.”

Jim squirmed in his seat. “You’re right,” He said his face falling. “Um, I would like to go lay down, I’m not..I’m not feeling to well.”

Spock looked down at Jim’s plate and then back at Jim. His food had hardly been picked over, and his posture was slumped over his chin touching his chest. 

The bond. He needs the bond.

Spock could no longer stand it. He delicately patted his mouth with his napkin and then pushed back his chair decisively. Walking around the table he took Jim’s hand in his and helped him rise.

“Come Jim.”

The contact of their hands sent shivers up both their arms.

He lead them over to the bed and sat them down. 

They looked at each other for a moment before Spock spoke again. “Vulcans express intimacy through finger touch we kiss too, but to us, this is more intimate.” To illustrate his point, he held up two fingers.

Jim curiously raised a thick brow in a question, but he extended his two fingers to mirror Spock’s movements. He watched mesmerized as Spock began to caress Jims out held fingers with his own. “To a Vulcan, this is done as a simple touch, to let our bondmate know comfort. It is to share our psionic conduit for telepathic thoughts. The intimacy, therefore, is not just of the body, but also of the mind and when done right, it can also be... highly erotic.” He said carefully.

He brushed his fingers up the backs of Jim’s hand, then down the other side rubbing gently along the pads of his palm, he repeated the action twice more before moving on to the knuckles of the hand, creating a soft, but mesmerizing rhythm. 

A headache bloomed in Jim’s skull, and a stabbing pain throbbed in his temples. His body on the other hand seemed to be in a different universe. Spock’s touches were sending waves of pleasure across his nervous system. He shivered, and his stomach tightened. He could feel himself beginning to harden and they were only touching fingers.

“Why are we doing this?” Jim asked a little breathy.

“When two people are sexually attracted to one another, kissing is often a precursor to greater physical intimacy, is it not?”

“Does that mean you want to make love?” Jim asked excited.

Spock ducked his head down, trying to hide a faint green spreading across his cheeks. He slid his fingers further down the back of Jim’s arm. He could feel the human’s arousal wash over him though the touch, adding to the sensations they were both receiving.

He brought his fingers back up so they rested tips to tips with Jim’s and paused in his administration.

He met Jim’s eyes, searching his light blue gaze. “ I have never mated with a man before, so I am afraid I only understand the basic mechanics. I have of course studied the different mating behaviors of humans and am willing to copulate with you, if you too, are willing.”

Spock’s words were dry and unromantic but that didn’t stop the jolt of excitement zipping through Jims blood stream.

“Yes.” He breathed out. “I’m more than willing. But what about Bones? You promised no sex.”

“I made no such promise. I simply stated that I would not do anything that would harm you, and in this case I feel our bond would be stronger completed in this manner.”

Spock gently pushed Jim down onto the bed so that he was laying flat, he leaned down after him using the top half of his body to cover Jim’s, anchoring his hands to his mates hips.

Jim pushed himself up onto his elbows and leaned forward to kiss Spock. His eyes fluttered closed as their lips and tongues met. 

He reached up and ran his hands over Spock’s shoulders then placed his hands on either side of his neck. He stroked Spock’s jaw with his thumbs and pinned him with an ardent, searching look.

Spock was powerless to look away.

“Do you really want me Spock?” He asked with an pleading intensity. “This is so hard to believe. Please say you want me as much as I want you.”

Spock stared down at him with eyes so black, Jim felt like he could fall forward into them.

“More.”

The intense longing in his eyes combined with his fierce expression caused Jim’s stomach to flip in the most wanton way. 

“We’ve got too many clothes on,” Jim said a little out of breath. 

Spock, sitting up, pulled his shirt over his head, and Jim quickly did the same. Spock looked back at Jim to continue their liaison but froze.

He had known Jim had lost weight due to his clothes becoming loose and his cheeks sunken in, but he hadn’t realized the full extent of the damage done to his body until this moment. He could see Jim’s ribs. 

A crushing sadness fell over Spock and he lost his eagerness to be physical. Dr. McCoy had been right. This was his fault. He should have forced Jim to finish his small dinner. 

Spock’s turned away. He couldn’t look upon what he had done to his t’hy’la. Dr. McCoy had been right to band such activities. Jim needed rest. They could complete the bond without Intimacies. They would have too. He would not harm Jim further.

“Spock?” Jim asked curious why he had stopped.

“Jim.” He slowly leaned down and rested his bangs against Jim’s chest, still not wishing to look him in the eyes. “Forgive me, but I do not think we should continue.”

“Does...does my body disgust you? I know I’m a bit thinner-“

“Never.” Spock said harshly. “Your body could never disgust me. It has suffered great neglect, and I find myself wanting only to take care of you. I wish to nurse you back to your former strength before you suffered from the bond. We should wait until you are stronger for physical Intimacy. I might damage you, that is a risk I’m not willing to take.”

Jim gently took Spock’s hand from his hip and brought it up to his lips. He kissed the palm for a long moment closing his eyes to inhale Spock’s scent.

“Spock you won’t hurt me. I need the bond to get well. I need you. I love you. Please give this to me.”

Spock didn’t move.

“Take care of me Spock. I want you, and only you.”

Spock laid still for a few moments before he slowly dropped a kiss on Jim’s chest. Jim hummed his approval and began to run his fingers through Spock’s hair.

“Please.” He whispered once more.

Spock began to sprinkle slow and lingering kisses across Jim’s chest, almost as if he was worshipping his body. This was the body on the man he loved, the man he treasured above all others and from now on he would take care of this body. Now and always. He moved his hands to Jim’s back and slightly lifted his chest up so that his kisses were closer to his sternum. Jim’s head fell back and he gave a slight hum of approval. Spock’s mouth fasted to a nipple and he teased it with sharp Vulcan teeth and tongue. Pressing against the responsive nub, Jim cried out and he clutched Spock’s head harder.

“Spock. Ungh, need you.”

"I need you as well, ashayam." Spock said through his teeth, warm fingers stroking Jim's belly, feather-soft and slow.

“We will go slowly.” Spock said firmly.

Jim nodded eagerly.

Spock’s reverent kisses mapped his chest and neck, and when Jim felt a hand slide down his thigh cup him through his clothes, his hips lifted up to press more firmly into the touch.

Spock pressed his lips to the center of Jim chest where he could feel his human heart pounding beneath his skin. He gave a small nip, and then soothed the area with a lick. Jim’s chest rose and fell with no distinct pattern. Spock looked up to see Jim’s head was tossed back with his eyes closed, his mouth open. His mate was truly beautiful when he was panting at his mercy.

“Kiss me Spock, please kiss me.”

Spock's lips returned to Jim’s, hot and firm. His tongue slipped inside, probing the velvety softness within. His body was hard, powerfully tones and sinew, lean, every muscle dusted with ebony hair. Jim’s was melting, pliant yielding to fit his sharp Vulcan angles. The contrast stirred something primal within the both of them. They were so different, yet they fit together as if perfectly designed.

Jim wound his arms around his neck and pressed himself against the hard plane of his chest. His lids opened halfway as he raised his head, his blue eyes like flames amongst the pink blush spreading across his cheeks. Soft and glowing, Jim’s lips were red and curved, drunk with desire. He had the dazed look of a man who had just discovered the secrets to the universe. Spock grew harder, thicker, more ravenous.

Jim spread his fingers across Spock’s chest, grazing nipples surrounded by whorls of hair. Spock’s eyes darkened and he growled something in Vulcan as heat surged through his body.

Slowly. They need to go slowly.

Jim’s hands trailed lower, skimming his powerful abdomen tapering to down narrow hips. He slid his fingers beneath his waistband and Spock drew in a sharp breath.

Spock peeled Jim’s pants off, with slight trepidation, releasing a heady musk as he did so. His eyes feasted on the sturdy, dusky pink shaft, lying flat against his abdomen, the crown gleaming wet while the base stemmed from a thatch of dark blond, tightly-curled hair.

He sat back, kneeling between his thighs gently pushing Jim’s further legs apart. Spock had seen Jim naked on occasion, but never when aroused. Never like this. He could not recall ever having seen anything more erotically pleasing than Jim’s aroused body splayed before him on his sheets, flushed from head to toe. 

“I...I don’t have any lube.” Jim suddenly said.

Spock blinked slowly. “We won’t need it.” He said carefully. 

He took his own pants off and gently folded them to the side. His sex was largely swollen and glistening with its own moisture.

“My vulcan Biology allows me to create my own.”

Jim reach out and gently took him in hand. “Why?” He said running his thumb along the slippery base. “Do the women not do it?”

Spock shivered from his touch. “Vulcans enter a mating frenzy called pon farr, during this time we are uncontrollable, only wishing to fulfill the mating purpose. Both sexes create a natural lubricant to avoid harming each other. They do not enter this phase at the same time.”

Jim was quiet thinking this over. “Benefits us just fine doesn’t it?” He finally said with a soft smirk.

“Indeed.”

Spock lowered himself onto him, bracing most of his weight on his elbows. Jim’s body quivered under the heated pressure of his chest and torso pressing down into the mattress. His hair gently abraded his nipples. 

Jim moaned over the weight on top of him.

Spock groaned in agreement. 

He positioned himself against Jim’s opening, guiding his velvet tip to the center of Jim and slowly, gently, entered him. Little by little he pushed until he was completely buried to the hilt. Both of them were panting as if they had just run the length of the ship.

Jim was tense beneath him.

Spock pulled back, “Are you alright?”

Jim nodded the sensation of being filled overtaking him. “ I probably should have prepared myself, but honestly, this is ok.” 

“If I am hurting you than we should-“ Jim leaned up and silenced him with a kiss before he could complete his thought.

“We should not.” He whispered against him.

Spock kissed his lips tenderly as he began small and deliberate movements inside of him. Jim’s body opened further to receive him and he slid deeper in with every thrust. Jim shifted beneath him overjoyed at the luxurious feeling of being joined. Yes it was a bit painful, but Jim had suffered more pain without him, than with. 

Spock’s hips rolled in an achingly sweet pace. His slick making every movement wet and squelching. Jim pushed against him, but Spock refused to go any faster.

Nevertheless it was heaven.

Soft sounds of need escaped Jim, and Spock responded with vulcan endearments with each stroke, making little grunts into his neck, kissing and sucking it, and Jim was indeed weak and wouldn't last any longer, already on the edge, his thighs were trembling and aching.

In and out, in and out, his slow methodical pace was delicious torture. Jims head fell back closing his eyes, exposing more of his neck to Spock's divine mouth and his legs wrapped themselves around his hips, digging into Spock’s rear. He clung on desperately. Spock’s tight stomach flexed against him with every gentle push and soon their sweat soaked bodies began to glide together with ease.

Spock straightened his arms and raised himself above him without breaking his rhythm. “Jim,” he said urgently and Jim opened his eyes glazed with desire.

“I know Spock, I know. I’m close too.” He panted.

How many times had Jim fantasized about Spock filling him in this manner? Many occasions, but his imagination had paled in comparison to the reality of Spock taking him, completing him.

Spock’s mental shields begin to falter and he noticed he was beginning to pick up on Jim’s stray thoughts floating around them. He liked the feeling of Spock moving inside him, pulsing for him, he wanted to remain connected together forever.

“Jim, meld with me. Complete our bond.”

“Yes, Spock,” he grunted with another gentle thrust. “Anything.”

Spock paused, buried deep inside him as he carefully positioned his fingers over the meld-points. Lowering his shields he exposed his side of the t’hy’la bond, and like a predator lying in an ambush, Jim’s bond Immediately lashed out seeking his. The bonds crashed together.

They both saw white.

Pain flared in their heads like molten lava as the bonds fused together. Such intensity caused them both to howl in agony as it tightened, a strong sturdy connection solidified like a steel beam. Pulling their minds together like a stitch in fabric, closing a gap that had been torn for so long.

Then their minds flooded with pleasure as their bond sang.

Every fiber of their beings came together at once, as if they were finally completing one whole person. Together, as one entity they were cresting higher and higher, flying through the universe that seemed to tremble before their joining. Stars fell around them in an endless midnight, dawning with the birth of a thousand nebulas springing forth decorating their visions in colors that no man had seen before. 

Two parts of one soul had finally found each other across the cosmos and neither one would ever give the other up again.

And then they were falling.

Seeming to return to their own bodies the both cried out as Spock plunged himself deeper into Jim’s very core. Jim's body quaked beneath him and he released a high pitched little moan. Spock could feel his heat and desire in his mind.

He growled. This was his mate. His precious bondmate. His t’hy’la. His thrusting became a bit harder but he still dragged out each languid movement never breaking his controlled, but burning hot pace. He would make sure his t’hy’la was loved thoroughly. Every time Spock slowly slid home Jim gave him little breathy and high pitched, “uh”s.

With a flash of blinding euphoria, Spock found himself pressing further and further against Jim’s body, from now on he would never know anyone else's touch. Only his, and his alone. Jim could feel Spock's claiming thoughts through the bond and he in turn shared his elation that no one else will know his body as well. Their minds now connected, Jim continued to share how safe he felt in Spock's arms. How he knew Spock would protect him, care for him. He shared that he's glad that someone as perfect as Spock could love someone as lowly as him.

“ You are a prize Jim, you honor me by returning my own affection. You belong to me Jim.” Spock huffed against his ear. “Say it. Only me. Your bondmate.”

Jim panted meeting his burning gaze. “You. I belong to you. My bondmate.” He proclaimed as he came with soul shattering force. His eyes rolled back in his head.

It was as if his own completion caused a chain reaction, and with a cry of deliverance, Spock abandoned himself to his own shattering release, which pulsed through them both shared through their bond.

Jim's body heaved beneath him as he panted, and Spock wasn’t much in a better state. Tears began streaming down Jim’s face, but Spock knew they were not of sorrow, but elation. They remained connected, both unwilling to separate. Sweat dripped off their bodies as they shook from the release.

Their breathing slowed and Jim’s whines and deep moans quieted. The pain in his head was gone. Replaced by the overwhelming presence of Spock in his mind.

“I love you, Spock. I love you- I love you- I love you-“ He incoherently chanted. “I love you-“

“Taluhk nash-veh k'dular“

Spock continued to caress his mate's body all over, nosing at his glistening golden hair and enjoying their combined scent that now clung to the bedsheets, purring in contentment.  
Jim lay underneath him, his body a puddle of relaxed nerves, his burning muscles now fully sated.

His eyes were closed but his smile put the world to shame. Even though he knew how Jim felt through the bond he still voiced his question.

“Happy?” Spock whispered.

“So happy I’m frightened.”

“There is no need to be.” But the comment made Spock’s soul soar. He pressed a long lingering kiss to Jim’s temple.

“Rest ashayam. Rest. I will not leave you.”

And through their bond Jim could tell he meant every word.


	13. Live Long and Prosper

4 months later 

It had been a long road. Jim’s recovery tested Jim and Spock’s strengths and weaknesses as they forged ahead towards his recovery. True to Spock's word, he began to care for his mate in every capacity, but Jim didn’t mind, he liked being babied over. Their relationship both professional and personal grew stronger with the t’hy’la bond that held them together. It helped on missions when they were far apart and crashed together in euphoria when they were together and made love. The more they gave to each other, the more the bond grew. Jim slowly regained his weight back and little by little and his smile grew brighter, his skin clearer and his hair regained its happy bounce. Jims mental health improved and he was once again able to sit in his Captains chair, the golden boy of the Enterprise had returned, and the crew could not have been happier. Their shared souls resonated together more and more powerful each passing day. 

And today that would be proven.

“Do I need anything else?” Jim asked trailing down the long corridor after Spock.

“No Jim, you are fine.” The vulcan said without slowing in his pace.

“God, it’s hot in here. Don’t vulcans believe in air conditioning?”

“We prefer the heat. This building does have air conditioning, however we will have to wait until we are in the chambers below for the after party. Will you be well enough in these conditions until then?”

“ I can handle a little heat. Besides, these robes are great, they’re actually really breezy if I walk fast enough. They’re super comfy. I should get a pair to sleep in.” He said as he tripped slightly on a golden sash that hung from his hips. “Uh Spock, it came undone again.”

Spock quickly turned back to adjust his bondmates robes. “These are ceremonial and in addition they are not Starfleet issued, you would not be able to sleep in them.” He commented dryly retying the sash.

“I won’t tell if you don’t.” Jim smiled as he took Spock’s hands from his waist and raised them to his mouth so that he could kiss the tips of his knuckles. An intensity of Spock's love flooded through their mental connection, and Jim’s heart tripped in his chest.

He would never get used to that.

A wicked gleam entered his blue eyes. “You know… maybe I am feeling a bit overheated. I think I saw a empty room a ways back, you could show me how to properly handle my robes in there.” He wagged his brows in insinuation.

“Jim please.” Spock gently scolded. “They are waiting for us and we are already running behind schedule.”

“Hmmm. Fine. But you’ll have to make it up to me later, after all it is our wedding day.” He leaned forward and kissed Spock slowly on the cheek.

“The Koon-ut-kal-if-fee is no jovial matter.” Spock huffed.

“Ah but this isn’t just any normal ceremony, I swear half of Starfleet's here. It probably looks like an overcrowded parking garage with all of the Starships just outside your atmosphere.”

“You are correct in stating that this is not a traditional ceremony, but I would like to give the impression of professionalism to the onlookers. This union of T'hy’lara is considered to be sacred: a blessing for our clans," Spock continued, his voice carefully level. "The ceremony will, be rather extensive. However, we have already bonded irrevocably, so neither of us will challenge.”

“ No, No challengers, but just so you know I’d fight a million Vulcans for you.” Jim said scrunching his nose in a teasing gesture.

Jim could feel Spock’s pleased response at his proclamation flood though him, but his expression remained clear.

“And I, you.”

Spock gently pulled one of his hands free so that he could extended two fingers to trace Jim’s wrist and knuckles, sending shivers down his spine. Vulcan caresses, Jim couldn’t get enough of them. Warmth pervaded his body sending all his blood rushing south. “What did I do to deserve you.” Jim said in awe.

“You are the prize here, not I.” A ruffle of protectiveness and care touched Jim’s mind, and he all but melted against Spock in the empty corridor, kissing his mates lips happily trying to start something.

“Jim, we must stop, it is almost time.” He chastised disapproval flowing through the link even though he radiated happiness. He gently pushed Jim away. Still holding hands they continued their journey down the rest of the corridor.

They came to a large but simple set of doors that had vulcan words artistically burned into the wood. They could hear the multitude of voices jumbling together in a cacophony of sound just on the other side.

“Ready?” Jim asked a bit nervous.

Spock calmly nodded.

They pushed the doors open and stepped out into the arena. People stood in stands high above the ceremonial grounds looking down on the two men as they made their way forward. Heat bore down unrelentlessly on the party, the glare from the sunset bounced off the rustic red rocks and glittering red sands, causing a slight orange glow to everything.

Vulcans, dressed in blue and purple robes, stood along the perimeter of the field and shook frames with bells tied to strings in the center.

The crowd, half comprised of Vulcans and the other half various Starfleet admirals and crew, lowered their voices to shushed murmurs as they, hand in hand, approached a high-raised podium where two men and a woman waited for them.

Jim glanced up into the stands and saw Nyota snap a holo picture. She flashed him as smile and two thumbs up.

Jim restrained himself from the childish urge to wave back. He turned his attention forward. To the three people waiting for them. One of them his best friend.

Bones held his hands respectfully behind his back his normally chaotic hair was neatly combed into place. He was sweating in his best dress uniform like a luau pig stuck on a spit. Jim would no doubt hear about that later, but for now Bones smiled at the two of them as they approached. It had taken him some time but he slowly came around to supporting their match when Jim’s overall health, both mental and physical started improving almost immediately after Jim and Spock had bonded with each other. Today he was serving Jim’s best man of sorts.

Jim glanced over at the other man waiting for them. Ambassador Spock. If it wasn’t for him, none of this would be happening. Jim had found out that the anonymous gift basket of Pla-savas fruit that had been sent to him, had come from Spock Prime’s own private garden. Jim thought he had planned this, but his Spock kept pointing out that he would never interfere with this universe's fate. Jim knew better. He had been all too delighted to attend their Koon-ut-kal-if-fee, when they had announced it. Now he stood there, resonating peace and tranquillity, as if he had been waiting for this day his entire life. His face was serene but his eyes danced with pride as the two of them came forward.

Then there was the woman. She sat in a large ornate chair, decorated from head to toe in shimmering purple and gold robes. Her face was withered, yet severe. Her eyes glittered black from the depths of her face as she stared at the two in front of her.

They both raised their free hands in Ta’al, greeting the overseer of the Koon-ut-kal-if-fee, T’Pau.

“Greetings Spock of Vulcan and Kirk of Terran.” Her voice was raised so that all in attendance could hear.

“Greetings.” They said in unison.

“You have come before me for the Koon-ut-kal-if-fee.” She glanced around at the crowd. “Normally this is a private and closed ceremony, however under the circumstances, we here on New Vulcan have invited you to bring your representative clans before this judgement, in witnessing a union of a T’hy’lara. Starfleet for James T. Kirk and New Vulcan for S'chn T'gai Spock. This is a union of a sacred and worshiped Bond held in the highest regard and must be shared by combining our clans here today.”

She gestured for them to approach.

Once directly in front of her, she placed her fingers softly on both of the men’s psi-points and the bondmates were pulled into a Meld.

The world faded away and they were standing in a shared mind space. This meld was like the many Jim had shared with Spock before, however this time, his mind was no longer a dark place like when he had first melded with Spock Prime. The link glows, shimmering brighter. It brings relief for both Spock and Jim: they are meant to be this way, blended into each other. With every shared meld it was more and more difficult to part, even if their presence was being shared by a third party.

Jims mind was alive, active, it shaped a familiar scene of a flowing creek that he used to play by as a child back in Iowa.

The three presences walked along the banks.

“Show me the bond.” T’Pau’s voice commanded strongly, her voice echoing over the chirping birds and bubbling brook his mind scape had created.

They followed the creek down a little further until a massive glowing tree appeared before them. It stuck out proudly from among the trees shooting straight up into the sky the top of which, could not be seen. It shone brightly, a beacon of light and happiness, humming as they got closer. 

T’Pau went up and inspected it, she reached out her mind and snaked around the trees base, once, twice a third time, before she returned to their sides. “The t’hy’la is strong. It hums in contentment, completely healed from its previous damage. Consider yourself at an advantage Kirk, many bonds that are torn asunder almost never heal properly again.”

She turned to Spock. “Show me your bond.” 

The scene around them shifted and they were suddenly in an open desert. This time the bond was not hidden amongst trees, but out in the open, shooting up into the purple red sky of old Vulcan, burning gold and glowing with a sense of pride.

T’Pau did as she had done before and inspected Spock’s side of the bond.

When she was finished, she stopped before Spock. “You have walked a difficult path, son of Sarek, but your reward is greater than you or I could have possibly imagined. Your own t’hy’la. I am pleased.”

She gently broke the meld, and addressed the crowd. “Their bond is strong. Their bond is t’hy’la. The Koon-ut-kal-if-fee may proceed.” She turned back to them.

“Spock,” she said raising her hand. “Step forward and ring the gong.”

Spock approached the marriage gong at the center of the arena and took up the jade green tumari hammer that glowed in the evening light. The gong vibrated as he struck it four times. It was constructed in a hexagon six-sided shape to represent virtues of an ideal mate. 

In Spock’s mind, Jim exceeded all of the virtues.

“Dost thou call any challengers?” She asked Jim.

“I do not.”

“Spock, Dost thou call any challengers?”

“No.”

“Spock do you claim this human as your mate?”

“I do.”

“Then stake your claim.”

Spock stepped forward and turned to face the crowd. “Hear me. I have made the ancient claim. I claim the right to mate with this man, James T. Kirk of Terran. He his mine and I am his.”

“Let this bond be solidified. Let the colony witness this union.”

Bells from every side shook.

“Spock of Vulcan and Kirk of Terran, live long and prosper.” T’Pau nodded as she raised her hand in the Ta’al.

And they did.


End file.
